Whining time

If you don't want to hear me bitching and moaning a lot, read no further...

I feel like crap. I've basically been sick for half this pregnancy. No idea what it is, except that my head always feels stuffy, I have headaches a lot, I can't ever breathe easily and I've had a cough for all but a couple weeks since around July. Did a round of antibiotics to no avail. Still taking my allergy meds. Cough medicine did nothing. So I suffer. Most mornings I feel like I've got the flu... by the evening I'm feeling better, but never normal. Also have a lot of heartburn. And have I mentioned the dreaded H word thanks to my screwed up system? Those of you who have been there know what I mean.

I'm exhausted. I barely sleep at all. The baby keeps me up until after 2am every night because he gets super-active and beats the crap out of me from the inside. Once I finally get comfortable enough to fall asleep, I have to pee. And so it begins again. Numerous times throughout the night. My daughter doesn't nap, so I can't either. A pregnant body needs more than the maybe 5 hours I'm managing most nights.

I'm in constant pain and discomfort. This kid feels huge and though my weight gain is right on track I'm huge. And it's all belly, all out in front. I can't get up from sitting without doing the as-seen-on-tv-rise (you know the one, where you skooch to the edge of the couch, then push your belly up in front of you), which I always thought was not real. I have to roll on my side and push up with my hands to get out of bed yet I still manage to hurt myself most times. Finding a comfortable position sitting or lying down is impossible. The baby has been pressing on my sciatic nerve for a long time so I constantly have pain, though oddly enough the worst of it runs into my thighs. Which makes it hard to stand and walk. Getting up from the floor is a joke. But I still have to do it several times a day. I can't bend over to do anything so I have to squat - which means it hurts like hell getting back up because my thighs hurt so bad. To empty the dryer I have to get down on my knees and press my belly into the dryer door to reach everything and pull it out. I have to squat down to help my daughter in the potty several times a day. It sucks.

Despite all that, I've gotten everything ready for the baby (nursery, washing and organizing clothes, making blankets and hats, recovering the glider), done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped and packed it all up and gotten it shipped, gone through all the stacks of mail, magazines, etc, re-organized drawers, done some much needed dusting (though not all), gotten baby announcements and Christmas cards ready to mail, done my best to keep up with my hyper-active 3 year old, and now at almost 38 weeks pregnant I've been outside helping put up all the Christmas lights and doing all the inside decorating, which still isn't done. It's crazy.

It's so hard to walk around stores and handle my daughter when we're out, that we are basically homebound. I'm sick of eating toast and chips for lunch every day the last several weeks when we used to go out for lunch a couple times a week. I'm starving, but I'm sick of the same crap all the time. And I'm going stir-crazy being stuck home all the time. My daughter and I are used to going out a couple times a week, even if just to walk around Target or something. The key is just getting out of the darned house on a regular basis. But it's too hard to do now. And she's suffering too, because I haven't been able to get down on the floor to play with her for some time now. She needs a change of scenery now and then too. She has taken to begging to go out to eat all the time, but we don't eat out very often. Macaroni & cheese and pizza have become the standard dinner food around here. Yuck.

I also attribute a lot of her attitude problem lately to not getting enough attention. She has been terrible to deal with and I'm sure a lot of it has to do with her barely getting played with and rarely getting out of the house. I know I get depressed spending all of my time in our living room, so I'm sure it affects her too. But it's not like I can just let her get away with being a snot, so I have to discipline her. Which turns into a huge ordeal every time. Which is hard on both of us.

Oh yeah, did I mention the swelling has gotten worse? I get this weird thing where my hands and most of the fingers turn a reddish color, but the knuckles look white. Like my fingers are striped. For the heck of it I tried to put my wedding ring on. Yeah, it goes about halfway to the second knuckle. Tried in on my little finger and it won't go all the way down.

I almost have everything arranged for the day we're scheduled. The bags are packed and I have the early morning shift covered for my daughter as well as the second shift running from when she wakes up to around 1pm. I haven't worked out after that yet, in case my husband can't make it back to pick my daughter up by then. Considering there's no absolute guarantee we won't get bumped until later in the day or to another day altogether, I'm pretty worried. It's not like I can just call my Mom or something last minute to watch my daughter. I have to work it out with friends and neighbors who need definite times on things because they have their own families to take care of. It's causing me quite a bit of stress worrying about this. I'm a little worried I'm going to end up alone in the OR and no one will be with my son while I'm in recovery. I'm also worried about being in the hospital after the baby is born. I'm having a c-section so I will be completely bedridden until at least the next day and then will still have a very hard time getting around. But I'll be alone at the hospital most of the day and all of the night. And the baby will be with me the whole time - there is no nursery, you are expected to keep the baby with you at all times. How am I supposed to care for a newborn when I can't get out of bed? Did I mention they also won't let you sleep with the baby in bed with you? Um, hello, what other choice will I have?

Damn it, I'm tired! I'm supposed to be taking it easy to prepare for after the baby comes, which is a tough time with no sleep and plenty of pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy about the baby, it's just that I am so ready to have this over. I want to be able to relax like I did with my first pregnancy, not constantly be on the go and doing stuff. And worrying about everything. It was so much easier the first time around. All I want to do is crawl into bed and not move for several days, but there's too much to do.

I'm ready for my reward now. If I had it my way, this baby would be born tonight. Once he's here and healthy, it will all be worth it.

Okay, I guess that's it for now. I can't promise there won't be more, but I promise I'll try not to unload too much. I know no one wants to hear me whining, especially when I'm lucky enough to have this to whine about.