Going offline for a bit......

Even though I only know of one person who reads this, I still thought I'd post a reminder that I am going out of town tomorrow (so far my grandpa is holding out so I still may make it in time), and will not return until September 9. I probably won't be able to post in the meantime...... but if I get the chance, odds are I won't be able to resist. So, until then.......

I talked to my grandpa today....

Or should I say, I talked at my grandpa today. He asked for all of his family to gather around him and the social worker suggested that those of us from out-of-town (namely, me) call so the phone could be held by his ear and I could say anything I felt the need to say. They told him it was me and he said my name, but he couldn't get much else out. I told him that I love him and am really looking forward to seeing him Sunday....... my daughter was sitting with me at the time and was talking about the tv so I told her to say "hi" and she did..... I could hear my sister in the background telling him that it was my daughter talking...... I told him how much she enjoyed it the last time we visited him and that she wants to see him when we come in on Sunday..... hopefully these things will help him hold out until then..... give him a reason to hang on a little bit longer. I know I'm being selfish...... he did not sound good...... his breathing is very labored and he could barely speak..... I know I should have told him it was okay to go, not to feel like he needed to wait for me but I couldn't bring myself to say that. I don't know what would be better...... I couldn't keep from crying when I talked to him so I know there is no way I can not cry when I see him..... and that might not be good for him..... I don't know...... when I have talked to my sister, my mom, and my grandma they have all been trying to be strong in front of him. I just don't think I'm capable of that.
So, when I get off the phone, I'm obviously upset. My daughter decided she wanted to sit on the potty again and read her new book (bought specifically for that purpose!) so I had to try to be excited and encouraging. I'm sitting across from her crying into a towel and I look up to find her staring at me. I told her 'it's okay honey, mommy's just sad, she can't help it, but you are being a very big girl and I am so proud of you'. That beautiful little angel climbed into my lap, looked right at me and said 'mama no sad' and gave me a big hug! God I love that little girl so much!

I failed the challenge.....

So I talked to the doctor's office today and based on my lab results from cd10, I failed the Clomid Challenge. There's basically 0 chance that I will ovulate this cycle. Which we had figured would be the case, but it still sucks! So, we discussed what the new 'plan of action' is going to be. I'm going to start on Metformin next week. Guess it helps a lot of women with PCOS. Whenever hubby and I are ready to start another cycle, I'll take the provera, since we all know I won't get AF without it. Then on cd3 I'll get a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork, start on Gonal-F, begin my twice weekly ultrasounds and bloodwork around cd7, and hopefully within a couple weeks be ready for my HCG trigger to bring on ovulation, then a day or 2 later we'll be doing IUI. Doc seems to think it was a fluke that we conceived our daughter without the IUI. Of course, he also thinks it's a fluke that we didn't end up with twins or more, considering the amount of follicles that my misfit, PCOS-ridden ovaries are constantly covered in! So it should be interesting to see what happens!

I'm leaving on a jet plane....

don't know when I'll be back again...... oh okay, yes I do, but the song popped into my head so I went with it. Anyways, I'll be leaving Sunday the 27th to fly north to hopefully say my goodbyes to my grandpa. Everyone seems doubtful that he will make it until then, but I am trying to stay optimistic. I really want to see him again, even though I know he is 'not himself'. I also really want my daughter to see her great-grandpa again, even though she will probably not remember it when she is older. My grandpa has a special 'rapport' with all the great-grandkids. When we last visited, my daughter was a little leary of everyone because she does not know our family that well, living so far away. But she went right to my grandpa and was totally loving on him! It really made his day!

I just ate half a pan of brownies.....

..... and I might go back for more! Food has (unfortunately) always been a source of comfort to me. That probably has a lot to do with why I am technically considered obese. I don't feel obese (fat yes, obese no!), but according to my BMI I am obese.
Anyways, the reason for the brownies...... aside from the fact that my Clomid-induced hormones are a-raging, there's been some bad stuff going on in my family lately. My grandpa has been doing kind of bad for awhile and several weeks ago he started taking a turn for the worse. Turns out he has probably had several mini-strokes and he is now basically blind (he sees only shadows), can't take care of himself at all, and has no short-term memory. He often forgets who my grandma, much less the rest of the family. Anyways, my grandma has been caring for him for the longest time now..... until a few weeks ago when she had a heart attack. She ended up having open heart surgery, followed by a stroke while still in the hospital, but she has been recovering well. Now we get to the kicker..... yesterday my mom sat down with my grandpa and explained to him that he is dying. His system is shutting down and he is not eating or drinking so is suffering from malnourishment and dehydration which is very hard on his body. My mom asked him what he wanted, because he refuses to go to the doctor, refuses to eat, drink etc, but because of his memory problems he can't remember what is wrong with him. So she told him flat out and asked what he wanted to do. He said he just wanted to go to bed and sleep. 10 minutes later he called for her and asked to be taken to the hospital because he was scared. He said that angels and devils have been visiting him and they are fighting over him and he doesn't want to go with the devil but he doesn't want to be here anymore either. My mom called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital. Since yesterday he has gotten 3 bags of plasma and 3 units of regular blood. He has unexplained internal bleeding and his body can't take much more. Everything is shutting down. They are going to send him home, probably tomorrow, with hospice care to help keep him comfortable. He told everyone today that he was told that 'they' don't have room for him right now but that there'll be a place for him in 4 or 5 days. Right now he is afraid of being alone so my sister is spending the night at the hospital with him. Hopefully he will get some rest.
My grandma says that they had a pact to never leave eachother alone, that they will go together everywhere. She doesn't want to live without him and frankly I can understand that.
Anyways, I'm terrified right now. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible because I don't want to leave town in the middle of a cycle, even if it is just a challenge cycle - on these drugs you never know what could happen - and I also don't want to go alone and my husband can't leave right now. The soonest we are looking at being able to go home together is September 2. I'm terrified that both of my grandparents may be gone by then. I lost my dad very suddenly 4 years ago - he died in his sleep the day before I was coming home to see him. He had been begging my husband and I to come home for the 4th of July, his favorite holiday, and we had made plans to make the 2 days drive home for the holiday. The day before we left I got the call that my mom had found him dead. I've never forgiven myself for not making it home in time. I suspect that he had a feeling there was something wrong and that was why he wanted us home so badly. I'm so scared that it is going to happen again and I don't know how I will handle it. I'm an emotional wreck right now. My body is so full of hormones right now that I can't seem to control myself. I'm blubbering for Christ's sake! Thank God my husband is out tonight so I can have this little breakdown. I've always been the type to hold everything in until I am alone - I can't seem to help it, I always put up a good front and then all hell breaks lose when I am alone. And thank God that I have somewhere I can get this all out. It's like there's always someone here for me to talk to.
So, if anyone is out there, what are your thoughts? Am I being completely selfish by waiting until the end of my cycle and until my husband can go 'home' with my daughter and I? Do I qualify as a complete blubbering idiot right now? Do you believe that my grandpa knows something, in reference to his 'they'll have room for me in 4 or 5 days' remark? Like how I think my dad had an idea?
Well, there's still half a pan of brownies left and it's calling my name. Maybe if my stomach starts hurting it'll take my mind off everything else. Thanks for listening....

I swear I'm not challenging you!

Okay, so I got my blood drawn again today as part of the Clomid Challenge..... today is cd10. Anyways, as usual I told the phlebotomist (I love that word!) that I only have one good vein and dutifully showed him the fading bruise from last week. Also as usual, the guy took that as a challenge for him to find another vein to use! He tells me "oh, that's not true, you've got plenty of veins in there!", and proceeds to start poking at my right arm..... and when I point out the needle mark from last week when the last guy took the 'challenge', he still insists he can get that vein. I say fine, go ahead and try..... needless to say he couldn't get it. Nor could he get my good vein on my left arm to work after that (though he sure poked around a lot!) which tells me he may not have been that good with a needle anyways. His supervisor had to come over and use a butterfly on my forearm to get the blood. My friend Christy suggested I start having them make notes for me for the next time, saying that I'm telling the truth about that being my only good vein so to quit poking at me for no good reason other than the desire to prove me wrong! I've had my blood drawn enough to know that it either comes from my one good vein on my left arm, or it comes from my hand, or as I learned this time, my forearm. Yet every single time I tell them to go straight for my good vein, they take it as a challenge.....

HSG update

Okay, so my HSG went pretty well today. Compared to last time, the pain was surprisingly bearable. I'm not sure if it's because the doctor injected the dye slowly, compared to the last time when they just shot a bunch of it in at once, or if it has something to do with my prior knowledge of the procedure - meaning that I knew they were full of s**t when they said all you need is some motrin before the procedure and you'll just get some mild period-like cramps. Knowing they are full of s**t, I took the motrin..... along with 2 muscle relaxers and a vicodin, left over from my last back injury! So although I didn't feel any effects of the meds, they must have made a difference!
Don't get me wrong, the procedure was far from a piece of cake - when the doctor attached the clamp to my cervix I wanted to punch him but the immediate cramping that started held me immobile long enough for me to realize that punching the doctor would not make the procedure go any quicker! Anyways, the dye went in, I rolled left, I rolled right, the dye spilled over on both sides and everything looked great! And when it was all over, the doctor was kind enough to remember to remove the clamp from my cervix before pulling all the 'gear' out, which they unfortunately forgot to do last time. Seriously, how can you forget that you attached a clamp to someone's cervix like 10 minutes before! But anyways, that was last time....... and I'm sure I've ranted about that enough!

How did they know?

Saw this on my good friend MamaChristy's site, who got it from Tonito's site..... anyways, thought it was cute, and really liked what my name came out to be!



Check yours out!

Ready or Not......

Actually, I'm NOT ready! My HSG is scheduled for tomorrow at 1pm and I am dreading it. I know that the worst of the pain only lasts a few minutes but I remember it being so bad the last time that I'm scared about it this time. They tell you to expect some mild cramping, then they inject this foreign substance into your body and your body doesn't like it! My whole body immediately cramped up and arched up off the table. I couldn't breathe. Meanwhile, the techs are telling me to 'just relax' because I'm interfering with the test. They seem to expect you to lie perfectly still and smile while they inflict excruciating pain upon you! I'm afraid that this time will be worse for some reason. For one, I'm doing it alone - hubby has to stay with our daughter during the procedure. So, no hand to hold. For two, last time I didn't have any blockages..... if I somehow have one now, I've heard the pain can be worse. And I can't imagine much worse!
Well, I suppose I've vented enough on this topic for now...... I'm sure I'll have more to say after the test tomorrow!

Birthday Party!

So today (well, yesterday) is my daughter's 2nd birthday. We had a great party with several wonderful friends and good food. The kids are still young enough that they don't require any structured games or anything, which is kind of nice. They all just had a blast playing with all the cool new toys our little sweetie got! I think the biggest hit was the play kitchen her Nana(my mom) got her - it inspired a bit of 'fighting' because everyone wanted to play with it! If I had used my head, I could have waited until some of the other kids were gone before giving it to her, but all things considered (there were 6 young kids) everyone did very well!
Unfortunately our family lives far away and could not be at the party, but we have thankfully found an 'extended family' in our friends and it is so nice to know that they are there for us, to share in this great moments of our lives. It's going to be sad when we have to move again in a few years (hubby is in the military)...... we're really liking it here! We love our new house and neighborhood, and we've made some truly wonderful friends!

AF is here!

Surprisingly, AF has arrived! I expected to wait several more days. Not that I am complaining! Since the doc has me doing the Clomid Challenge this cycle, I'll be going for a gazillion blood tests Friday, then a few more next Friday, with an HSG sometime in between. Really dreading the HSG, especially since I know exactly what to expect (I had one before conceiving my daughter), but I suppose it's better to know for sure that everything is still 'flowing' properly before proceeding with the treatments. I guess that's how I should be viewing the Clomid Challenge too...... just because it didn't work last time doesn't mean it won't this time right? I'm seriously doubting it since I did 4 rounds before and never even ovulated, but things can change...... it'd sure beat injectibles again! So I guess...... bring on the Challenge!

Turns out I'm more of a bitch than I thought!

So, when I posted that crap about water restrictions I was apparently being even more of a bitch than I realized! My good friend MamaChristy was apparently watering too! I swear I didn't even know that, and like I said it's not even something that would normally bother me. My hubby came in and told me that the people down the block were watering on their off day again and it was running down the street and crap and it got under my hormone crazed skin. MamaChristy never does that (overwatering so it runs down the street). She is one of my best friends and can therefore break any rules or restrictions she wants and I would never question her! So yeah, when I saw that she was watering last night and thought I was talking about her, I felt like a total bitch!
Then again..... I wonder if there's a reward...... she did confess after all...... ;P

On a lighter note.....

My new carpet is supposed to be installed this week! I'm so excited! Thanks to the screw-up (or should I say multiple screw-ups) of a few people, I'm getting a brand new, better carpet for free. Well, unless you count the fact that I am working my butt off packing up practically my entire house and moving it into the garage......for the second time....... but it will all be worth it if they get the new carpet in without screwing anything else up! Who am I to complain about a free increase in the value of my home?!

The crabbies have got me already!

Well, AF isn't even due to make an appearance for a few days at the very least, but I already feel like I'm PMSing! I'm tired and super hungry and craving sweets (even more than usual which is BAD!) and I'm super super crabby! I just can't seem to help it - I'm nitpicking on everything my hubby does and says and things that shouldn't bother me so much are. Why should I care so much that people are watering their lawn and it's not their day to do it? So we're in water restrictions..... who am I to say they have to obey them? Just because I feel the need to follow the restrictions doesn't mean everyone else does. Is it really making that big a difference what day people water as long as they don't do it too much? Apparently it matters to the crabby me!

You want to do what?!

Yup, you're hearing me correctly - I want my period. So, tonight I took my 3rd of 5 doses of Provera to 'force' my period to make an appearance. I know, why would I want to do that? Well, as nice as it is to not have a period to worry about every month like the average woman, it sucks when it comes to trying to get pregnant. Everything relies on your period! You base everything on your cycle days, with day 1 being the first day of your period. So, since I can never predict when my period will decide to make an appearance, I am taking this wonderful female hormone that my body is apparently lacking. Hopefully the 5 days of Provera will work, because if not I will have to start all over and do 10 days of Provera. Of course, I won't know if the 5 doses worked until a week has passed after the last dose and no period shows up. So basically that will mean almost 2 whole weeks lost! And I don't like to waste time......

Why blog?

Okay, so the hubby and I are finally starting fertility treatments again. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which causes me to be infertile. I have a beautiful daughter who is almost 2, conceived using fertility medicine. Anyways, we'd love to give her a brother or sister.... or maybe both..... and our referral has finally gone through. I know from the last time that there is a lot of stress involved in this process, so I've created this blog as a lifeline. Sometimes I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down! I expect that I will do a lot of venting here, but hopefully there will be happy stuff posted as well!