I just ate half a pan of brownies.....

..... and I might go back for more! Food has (unfortunately) always been a source of comfort to me. That probably has a lot to do with why I am technically considered obese. I don't feel obese (fat yes, obese no!), but according to my BMI I am obese.
Anyways, the reason for the brownies...... aside from the fact that my Clomid-induced hormones are a-raging, there's been some bad stuff going on in my family lately. My grandpa has been doing kind of bad for awhile and several weeks ago he started taking a turn for the worse. Turns out he has probably had several mini-strokes and he is now basically blind (he sees only shadows), can't take care of himself at all, and has no short-term memory. He often forgets who my grandma, much less the rest of the family. Anyways, my grandma has been caring for him for the longest time now..... until a few weeks ago when she had a heart attack. She ended up having open heart surgery, followed by a stroke while still in the hospital, but she has been recovering well. Now we get to the kicker..... yesterday my mom sat down with my grandpa and explained to him that he is dying. His system is shutting down and he is not eating or drinking so is suffering from malnourishment and dehydration which is very hard on his body. My mom asked him what he wanted, because he refuses to go to the doctor, refuses to eat, drink etc, but because of his memory problems he can't remember what is wrong with him. So she told him flat out and asked what he wanted to do. He said he just wanted to go to bed and sleep. 10 minutes later he called for her and asked to be taken to the hospital because he was scared. He said that angels and devils have been visiting him and they are fighting over him and he doesn't want to go with the devil but he doesn't want to be here anymore either. My mom called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital. Since yesterday he has gotten 3 bags of plasma and 3 units of regular blood. He has unexplained internal bleeding and his body can't take much more. Everything is shutting down. They are going to send him home, probably tomorrow, with hospice care to help keep him comfortable. He told everyone today that he was told that 'they' don't have room for him right now but that there'll be a place for him in 4 or 5 days. Right now he is afraid of being alone so my sister is spending the night at the hospital with him. Hopefully he will get some rest.
My grandma says that they had a pact to never leave eachother alone, that they will go together everywhere. She doesn't want to live without him and frankly I can understand that.
Anyways, I'm terrified right now. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible because I don't want to leave town in the middle of a cycle, even if it is just a challenge cycle - on these drugs you never know what could happen - and I also don't want to go alone and my husband can't leave right now. The soonest we are looking at being able to go home together is September 2. I'm terrified that both of my grandparents may be gone by then. I lost my dad very suddenly 4 years ago - he died in his sleep the day before I was coming home to see him. He had been begging my husband and I to come home for the 4th of July, his favorite holiday, and we had made plans to make the 2 days drive home for the holiday. The day before we left I got the call that my mom had found him dead. I've never forgiven myself for not making it home in time. I suspect that he had a feeling there was something wrong and that was why he wanted us home so badly. I'm so scared that it is going to happen again and I don't know how I will handle it. I'm an emotional wreck right now. My body is so full of hormones right now that I can't seem to control myself. I'm blubbering for Christ's sake! Thank God my husband is out tonight so I can have this little breakdown. I've always been the type to hold everything in until I am alone - I can't seem to help it, I always put up a good front and then all hell breaks lose when I am alone. And thank God that I have somewhere I can get this all out. It's like there's always someone here for me to talk to.
So, if anyone is out there, what are your thoughts? Am I being completely selfish by waiting until the end of my cycle and until my husband can go 'home' with my daughter and I? Do I qualify as a complete blubbering idiot right now? Do you believe that my grandpa knows something, in reference to his 'they'll have room for me in 4 or 5 days' remark? Like how I think my dad had an idea?
Well, there's still half a pan of brownies left and it's calling my name. Maybe if my stomach starts hurting it'll take my mind off everything else. Thanks for listening....