Just goes to show.....

I know my body better than any doc! Despite Dr K telling me how slim the chances were that adding the injections at this point would make any difference, I now have one good follicle! I'd prefer 2 or 3, but since this cycle was supposed to be a bust, I'm happy with one! The dominant follicle on my left ovary has grown to 18.1mm. I will get my hCG trigger shot tonight (actually, hubby is supposed to do it this time) and report to the clinic at 6:30am Wednesday morning for the IUI. My poor little snickerdoodle will have to be woken up by 5:30am to get ready to go to the clinic with us. One of the major downfalls of no family in the area - it's so unfair to drag a 2 year old out of bed 4 hours early. But at least we've been able to avoid doing it much - this is only the second time in the past few months.

Don't worry, I promise not to post any pictures of my butt with a needle in it! There's no way I'm going to stop hubby, in the middle of giving his first intra-muscular injection, to take pictures!

Please keep us in your prayers..... with hubby's busy schedule, I don't know when we'll get the chance to do this again. We can use all the help we can get!

Gonal-F How-To

Okay, here's the basic steps of giving yourself an injection of Gonal-F:


Using the large needle, put the saline into the bottle with the powder. Swirl gently to mix. Suck the mixture back up into the syringe.


Remove the large needle and put the small needle on the syringe. Force the air out of the syringe.


Ready, set, GO! I've found the only way I can do it is to just stab the needle in from a couple inches away. Once the needle is in, slowly inject the medicine - go fast and it hurts more!

That's all there is to it!

I hope you're not calling with bad news.....

That's what I said when I answered my phone this afternoon and discovered it was Dr K calling me from the clinic. Unfortunately, he was calling with bad news. Although my ultrasound looked similar to last cycle, my labs told a different story. My estradiol level plummeted when it should have been rising. I am not responding to the Femara anymore - must have been a fluke last cycle. Doc said the cycle is a bust and we will just plan to start injectibles next cycle. But because I am a pushy be-atch who knows her $hit when it comes to the fertility treatments I asked if there is any way we can salvage this cycle. For example, could we supplement with injectables now and try to get those follicles going again, and since I won't ovulate on my own anyways we can just add some time on to the cycle by using the injections and do the IUI later than planned? Doc said chances are slim that it will work, but not impossible, so he's willing to give it a shot (get it, give it a shot? heehee). So, I went back to the clinic this afternoon and after about 2 hours finally managed to get my meds (doc forgot to put them in the system so I had to wait in the clinic forever to talk to him. Anyways, the plan is to use the Gonal-F this weekend (3 days) and check back Monday to see if there is any change. If things look good, we will continue. If not, we'll wait until we can squeeze another cycle in and go straight for the injectable. I already did tonights injection and boy did that baby sting! I don't remember the Repronex doing that, but it has been a while..... and my belly is quite a bit poochier (that's not even a word!) so maybe that makes a difference too! Maybe I'll post some pics later..... of the meds, not the belly! ;)

I'm beat!

I just spent over 2 hours at the clinic again. I was hoping last time, on cd3, was a fluke caused by the weather and people not being able to go in for their monitoring for a couple days. But it appears I can expect this from now on - the nurse who took my vitals said they are now in their "busy season". I left my house by 5:20am, got there at a few minutes past 6am and there were already 6 women lined up against the wall (the clinic doesn't open until 6:30am. SO basically, even getting there half an hour early, I still ended up being number 7. I feel bad for the girl that was number 20 (no, I'm not kidding)! The lab was super busy today too - there must've been thirty+ people waiting when they opened the doors and it got worse from there.

So, I guess you'd like to know the results from todays scan? I was apparently wrong about the twinges on my right ovary because the right ovary did nada so far. My only promising follicles are on the left side - measuring 11.1mm and 10mm. So it looks like we're going to end up with another one, maybe two, egg cycle. I'm not very happy about that, but I guess at least I don't need to be very concerned about multiples. I go back Monday to see how they have progressed.

I find it interesting that all these docs are so scared of using fertility drugs on me because of my polycystic ovaries. Yeah, that usually means you have a greater risk of overstimulating and having multiples and all that jazz, but from my experience it just seems that my body doesn't respond as well to the meds as they seem to think it will. When I conceived my daughter, the docs were concerned about using injectibles and monitored me very closely. We only got one good egg after 2 weeks of mostly double-dose injections. Not the many many eggs they were so sure we'd get. So far with the new docs, they are scared to use the injectibles on me so are trying the Femara and I'm barely responding to it either. I was talking to other women in the waiting room and one of them is taking Clomid and the other is taking the Femara. Both of them made it sound like they get several follicles each cycle. And here I'm struggling to get two. And I'm supposed to be the one that has the greater risk of producing multiple eggs! It just doesn't make sense to me. I can't help but wonder if things would be going better if the docs would've let me do the injectibles like the original plan was. Maybe I produce better-quality eggs on the injectibles. I don't know..... it's all just so discouraging....

And I haven't had my coffee yet either so I'm really feeling bummed!

Cycle Update

Sorry I haven't updated in a while.... there really hasn't been much to tell! I'm currently on cd11, I took 2 doses of Femara every night cd4-8, and I go in tomorrow for my ultrasound and blood work to see how my body is responding. I think it is responding well, because I have had some twinges on my right side which I am hoping indicates some super follicle-growing action. I'd really like to go in tomorrow and find out that I've got 2 nice size follicles almost ready to go. My goal for when I trigger (take the shot to force ovulation) is to have 2 definite follicles that will ovulate. If there is another one that might go with them, that's cool too. I'm not so sure I want three big honkin' follicles though..... I'm terrified of having triplets! I know, even if I ovulate three follicles, chances are I still won't get triplets, but the odds are definitely better with three or more follicles. So...... let's just all keep our fingers crossed for two big juicy follicles, okay? None of this "oh, that second one might make it, you never know". I want two definite good follicles so my chances are better this cycle. The way things are looking with my husbands job, we can't count on being able to do another cycle so I really really need this one to work!

By the way, if things go along the same time-frame as last cycle, I'll probably go back on Monday for another ultrasound, then trigger either Monday or Tuesday night, with an IUI 36 hours after the trigger shot.

Wanna know what I've been doing?

This:

Go Da Bears!

Whoo-hoo! My home-town team has finally made it! After more than 20 years, the Chicago Bears are finally going back to the Superbowl! (Note: I grew up in extreme northwest Indiana - just across the border from Chicago, so I've always been a big Chicago fan) And to top it all off, they are playing against the Colts, my home-state team! To say this is exciting does not truly do it justice!

Now if only the Cubbies could make it to the World Series.....

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Remember the friend I was whining about because she got pregnant so easily? Well, she had a miscarriage Friday morning. I know that she was truly excited and I don't even know what to say. She was almost 7 weeks pregnant when she lost the baby and had just told everyone. I feel like shit for bitching. I would not wish that on anyone.

Good news!

One of my good friends is pregnant again. Bet you thought I was going to say I was! Yeah, unless I'm at the right time in my IUI cycle, there's no chance of that happening. Ever.

I hate to admit it, but I cried (and not tears of joy) when I read the news (via email, which I admit is my preference because it gives me time to recover before needing to respond)). It's so horrible to say, but it was like a slap in the face.

It's not that I'm not happy for her, because I am. She's a wonderful mother and a great person and she truly deserves to have another child. It's just hard to be happy when I'm at the beginning or another crappy cycle of mind- and body-altering drugs to try to achieve the same thing. Again. It just seems so unfair.

By the way, the worst things to say to an infertile: Any version of "God has another plan for you" or "Just relax" or "It's just not your time yet" or "Why don't you adopt? Then you'll get pregnant.". So please don't leave me any comments like that because I have a nice bitchy rebuttal for each of them. Feel free to leave almost any other kind of comment.

I haven't left an update on my cycle in awhile, so here it is. I took my last Provera last night (hence some of the bitchy feelings, can't blame it all on the drugs) so now I am just waiting for AF to make an appearance. Hopefully that will be this weekend and then come Tuesday I can go in for my baselines.

P.S. I don't think this friend reads my blog, but if so, please forgive me! I really am happy for you! I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Goodbye 20's......

It was nice knowing ya! We celebrated my birthday both yesterday and today. Yesterday we went shopping at the outlet mall, and I got a couple new shirts and some 'fancy' (compared to my normal ones anyways!) new p@nties. Everything discounted of course! Then we went and got Ch1nese food for dinner, something I love and haven't had in ages. We generally stick to child-friendly food, so basically we always eat somewhere with fries!
Then today my daughter and I picked up some lunch and ran a couple errands, then I stopped at St@buck$ on the way home. Dropped off the groceries and went to H0bby L0bby to get some embroidery floss so I can finally be part of Infertility's Common Thread. I've been meaning to do it and have to admit that it slipped my mind. No excuses. Anyways, after the hubby got home from work we went to dinner at a local steakhouse of sorts. Planned to come home and have some ice cream with our little girl, so my hubby goes to get it for us...... and walks back in the room with a mini-ice cream cake! My favorite! He knows I love those things and I can't even remember the last time I had one. He explained to me later that he had to stop lightening-quick on the way home to get it and hid it in his gym bag to bring in the house, then while I was upstairs getting ready to leave for dinner he stashed it in the freezer. Sneaky huh?

Oh, and did I mention my other surprises? Some of my dear friends surprised me...... I got a St@rbuck$ gift card, which anyone who knows me at all knows I will very much enjoy, and I also got an Am@zon gift card, which I put towards new cookware, which I have been wanting for ages, since ours are ancient and starting to leave nonstick coating in our food! Thanks ladies!

Anyways, I think I can honestly say I had a pretty good birthday. Now I'm going to go wrap up the day with some Amer1c@'s Next T0p M0de1 reruns and maybe another piece of cake!

Deleted comments

Sorry, had to delete the comments to the last couple of posts. I personally don't feel that the internet is the proper place for the 'discussion' that ensued. And for those of you who are wondering, my husband and I did discuss things better on Friday and Saturday, before I knew for sure that he had been on my site (didn't get back to check comments before Friday night), though I definitely suspected by his actions on Friday and Saturday (asking lots of questions about my meds and stuff like that). Like I said previously, I'm glad that he got to see how I felt. I'm lousy at communicating and I'm the first person to admit that.

Anyways, I have not yet decided the fate of this blog. The very few readers I do have can easily be redirected..... but I've grown a bit attached to this one.

Discovery

Okay, so it seems I am no longer as anonymous as I wished to be. So-called "Anonymous" should have been a bit more truly anonymous and not revealed his identity. I'd be willing to bet a complete stranger could suddenly stumble upon this blog and know who it was.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. To me, this is the equivalent of my diary. The place I go when I feel I have nowhere else to go and noone to talk to. Since I basically don't anyways considering my only social interaction most days is with a two year old. Everyone should be allowed something that is private. I don't go snooping into your online conversations on your discussion boards or whatever. Do you read my email too? If you found your wife's diary, would you read it? Because to me, that's what you did.

While I am happy that you get to see how I really felt the other day, I have to question how you discovered this place, since I'm pretty sure it wasn't through a random search on g00gle. And that makes me uncomfortable.

So now I have no sanctuary. Nowhere to 'just get it out'. I have to go back to holding everything in. And that just plain sucks.

What I'd like to say to my husband right now.

So, since this is my place to vent, here goes a good one. You've probably heard most of this crap before but I don't much care if I repeat myself as long as it makes me feel better.

Supposed to be starting another cycle soon. Supposed to start taking provera in a few days. Hubby told me earlier this week that he is going to have a meeting this month but not to worry it won't be on the days I told him I would be most likely having my cd3 monitoring. I asked him again 2 days ago, are you sure I should start a new cycle, because I need to know if that meeting is going to interfere. I can hold off if needed. Oh no, he says, it'll be fine.

So today he mentions that he won't know until Monday about this meeting. So I said, oh, you're going to find out Monday that you have to go out of town on like Wednesday? He says, well the meeting could be at the end of next week, but more likely it'll be the next week and since that Monday is a holiday it'll be after that. So I look at the calendar and see that he is talking about Monday the 15th. Which would put him at going out of town no sooner than the 16th and he said it would be for a couple of days. Let's see...... I'm pretty sure I made it clear starting about 3 weeks ago that my cd3 will probably fall around the 18th, give or take a couple days. Which basically covers that whole week as being possible for my cd3 monitoring. I made this clear again when he mentioned this meeting earlier this week. And again when he told me not to worry, to go ahead and start a cycle. Yet today when I press him on it, that I need to know for sure so I can start the provera this weekend, all hell breaks loose. Because I told him that when he tells me twice that the meeting won't interfere and to go ahead and plan the cycle, then comes out today with "oh, I have no guarantees when this meeting will be, it could very well be on those days", it pisses me off.

So here's what I'd like to say to his attitude right now:
When I give you the opportunity, from the very first f-ing time you mention a meeting or trip, to delay the cycle, not start the cycle, skip this month, whatever, to just please let me know and you assure me that it is not going to be a problem, I get my hopes up and start calculating what the due date will be if we get pregnant this cycle (Oct 22-ish by the way), how far along I'll be when summer hits, etc. Then you spring on me that you have no f-ing clue when this meeting will be. Then when I get angry, you jump down my f-ing throat about how I have to understand that this is your job and you don't make the rules and you are not the boss, etc, etc. Let me tell you something - YOU need to f-ing understand that I am the one doing these f-ing treatments, not you. I am the one who goes through the mood swings and hot flashes and getting poked with a damn needle twice a week. I'm the one whose putting my f-ing medical needs on hold because of this. I can't take care of my other medical problems because it will interfere with the fertility treatments. I have some pretty bad bouts of depression (which you don't even seem to realize or care about) and some horrible hormonal imbalances that cause various problems for me, which you love to throw in my face all the time, knowing that I can't do a damn thing about it if we're trying to have a baby. "You yell too much." "You're too sensitive." "You need to be on medication." "You're such a bitch." These are not things you should say to your wife, much less to someone who has gone off her anti-depressants during an extremely stressful time. Wonder why I'm so damn bitchy? Maybe because my estrogen is through the f-ing roof. Maybe because every other hormone in my body is out of whack as well. Maybe because I'm putting extra hormones into my body to try to have your child. Maybe because you are so damn selfish. I need to be more understanding? Do you even know how an f-ing IUI cycle works? Do you know what drugs I am on? Do you know what their side effects are? Do you know the importance of the various cycle days and test results? Do you know the emotional strain involved? No, you know none of this because you do not care. You have never bothered to look up my PCOS and find out more about it. You have not done any research on IUI's or the meds I am on. If you had, maybe you would be more understanding of me. I don't know how many times I need to tell you that if you cannot guarantee that you will be available during certain days of my cycle, then I cannot do a cycle. You say you want another child so badly, yet you act completely unconcerned about everything. Have you noticed how I keep referring to it as MY cycle? That's because I don't feel as if you have to do any work in this. You stay home with our daughter when I force you to so that I can go get my bloodwork and ultrasounds. If it were up to you, she would go with me. You don't feel it is your responsibility to watch her. "You need to find a sitter," you say. When I tell you that sitters and daycare don't operate at 5:30am, you tell me I need to work something else out. Ever think about how fair it is to a 2 year old to have to get up before the crack of dawn and get carted off to some strangers house twice a week? Nope, the effects on our two year old daughter don't concern you, only that you don't have to miss any time at work for anyone other than yourself. Because it's never a problem if you have an appointment or something you want to do is it? No.

You know what, through the whole stinking cycle, I am the one who has to get poked and prodded and dosed with hormones. You make your little deposit once and that's all you have to do. Is it really so much to ask that you don't complain about watching our daughter while I go to the doctor? Is it really so much to ask that you be certain of whether or not you will be available? When you know you have something coming up and tell me that it will not interfere, I should be able to believe you. I should not have to ask multiple times to finally have you tell me that you have no idea whether or not it will interfere because you don't know for sure when the trip is going to be. There is no excuse for that. Do not lie to me. And do not dare get pissed at me for being upset that you lied to me. I understand that this is your job and that you have to go when they tell you to, but when you know you have to go and deliberately tell me that you won't be gone during certain days, then when pressed admit you don't know that for sure, I feel I have every right to be angry. An unexpected trip is another story - I understand that this is your job and that these things happen, but I should not be expected to smile and say okay honey, I'll just push this next cycle off again, no big deal. I am allowed to be upset and hurt and angry. That is my right as a person, a wife, and someone undergoing fertility treatments. As my husband and someone who supposedly wants this so badly, you should show me more support. When these things happen, you should say "I'm sorry honey, I know this sucks, but I can't help it." "I understand how you feel and I'm upset too." The worst thing you can do is yell at me for being upset. It means nothing to you, because you are not the one who is planning everything. The one who has to plan what days to take one hormone so you can get your period around a certain day and start the other hormones another certain day so that your cycle days that you need monitoring, or God forbid the actual IUI, don't fall on a day when your husband might be out of town. You think nothing of having a trip come up so that a cycle has to be cancelled. "That's my job and you have to be more understanding of it." Here's a thought for you - right now, trying to have a baby is my job and I am busting my ass at it, and you need to be more understanding of that!

Life with a sick toddler......

SUCKS! When an adult is sick, they rest on the couch or sleep as much as they can. What does a sick toddler do? Coughs all over you, sneezes snot all over the place, then runs so you can't wipe their nose before it gets all the way down their chin and on their hands. Rest? Ha! My toddler is sneezing globs of snot out of her nose every 5-10 minutes, coughing and gagging on the phlegm at least a couple times an hour, her eyes are red and watery, she's wheezing and I can't seem to get her fever under 100, but she doesn't want to rest. She wants to pull out all of her toys and spread them around the room. And rub snot all over them. Yuck. It is going to take days for me to get everything cleaned and disinfected once she gets over this.

As soon as she finishes lunch, I'm putting her in the car for a nap. Forget fighting with her to nap in my bed, I haven't got the energy. I think I see a trip to St@rbucks in my near future.... I may not make it through the day otherwise! Having a sick toddler is exhausting!

P.S. For those of you wondering why I don't take her to the doctor...... I've called at 6:30am for 2 days now and they have no appointments. I finally got one scheduled for 8am tomorrow, which will mean waking her up way early (though she was up around 7:30 today so who knows). I wonder if I should even bother with the doctor, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. It won't be the first time someone has brought their kid in with what turns out to just be a cold. But I can't keep my hyperactive mind from seeing signs of bronchitis or pneumonia.

Happy snotty new year!

Happy new year everyone! Hope everyone had a safe and fun holiday. Ours was pretty uneventful. Sat around and drank and played heroscape. My drink of choice was Dis@rono, which I highly recommend to those of you who enjoy sweet syrupy liquor! Keep the bottle at room temperature so you can pour it over ice. The melting ice will cool it down and water it down just enough to be not too strong on the palate. Without losing the great flavor!

Anyways, the reason I said happy snotty new year is because that is how my new year has begun. My husband was sick for a couple days last week and found out he had tonsilitis, which to me is the same darn thing as strep throat. We took every precaution to make sure our daughter didn't get it and it seems to have worked..... however, we have no control over what she picks up while we are at Sea World, or the zoo, or feeding the ducks, or the wildlife safari (all things we've done recently) or wherever she picked up this wonderful thing she has now. Started out yesterday with a fever and a phlegmy sounding cough. Today it has progressed to a fever, cough, frequent sneezing, and constant snot running out of her nose. Very gross. And I admit it, I am one of those people who is grossed out by a child's snot. I can handle it in small doses, but not when it gets so bad that it is running all down the face and then they touch it and it gets stretched out onto their hands. Yuck yuck double yuck. So I find myself wiping my daughters nose every 5 minutes. I'm going to get tired of this quick and her poor little nose is going to get raw! I'm definitely going to have to get the hubby to pick up some tissue with lotion in it on his way home. Poor little thing! I've heard this sort of thing is going around, so I hope you are all being very diligent about washing your hands! Trust me, you don't want this in your house!

5 more days until I am supposed to start the provera to induce my next cycle to start. I'm supposed to start taking them on my birthday, the 8th, but I think I'm going to start on the 7th, just because I'd rather start them on a Sunday. I take them for 5 days again and hopefully AF will show just as quickly this time (last time she showed about 2 days after the last pill). So, if everything goes according to plan, we will be starting our next IUI cycle around the 15th of this month.

That's about all that's going on here right now..... I may write more later if I get completely bored being stuck in the house!