Friday, January 05, 2007

What I'd like to say to my husband right now.

So, since this is my place to vent, here goes a good one. You've probably heard most of this crap before but I don't much care if I repeat myself as long as it makes me feel better.

Supposed to be starting another cycle soon. Supposed to start taking provera in a few days. Hubby told me earlier this week that he is going to have a meeting this month but not to worry it won't be on the days I told him I would be most likely having my cd3 monitoring. I asked him again 2 days ago, are you sure I should start a new cycle, because I need to know if that meeting is going to interfere. I can hold off if needed. Oh no, he says, it'll be fine.

So today he mentions that he won't know until Monday about this meeting. So I said, oh, you're going to find out Monday that you have to go out of town on like Wednesday? He says, well the meeting could be at the end of next week, but more likely it'll be the next week and since that Monday is a holiday it'll be after that. So I look at the calendar and see that he is talking about Monday the 15th. Which would put him at going out of town no sooner than the 16th and he said it would be for a couple of days. Let's see...... I'm pretty sure I made it clear starting about 3 weeks ago that my cd3 will probably fall around the 18th, give or take a couple days. Which basically covers that whole week as being possible for my cd3 monitoring. I made this clear again when he mentioned this meeting earlier this week. And again when he told me not to worry, to go ahead and start a cycle. Yet today when I press him on it, that I need to know for sure so I can start the provera this weekend, all hell breaks loose. Because I told him that when he tells me twice that the meeting won't interfere and to go ahead and plan the cycle, then comes out today with "oh, I have no guarantees when this meeting will be, it could very well be on those days", it pisses me off.

So here's what I'd like to say to his attitude right now:
When I give you the opportunity, from the very first f-ing time you mention a meeting or trip, to delay the cycle, not start the cycle, skip this month, whatever, to just please let me know and you assure me that it is not going to be a problem, I get my hopes up and start calculating what the due date will be if we get pregnant this cycle (Oct 22-ish by the way), how far along I'll be when summer hits, etc. Then you spring on me that you have no f-ing clue when this meeting will be. Then when I get angry, you jump down my f-ing throat about how I have to understand that this is your job and you don't make the rules and you are not the boss, etc, etc. Let me tell you something - YOU need to f-ing understand that I am the one doing these f-ing treatments, not you. I am the one who goes through the mood swings and hot flashes and getting poked with a damn needle twice a week. I'm the one whose putting my f-ing medical needs on hold because of this. I can't take care of my other medical problems because it will interfere with the fertility treatments. I have some pretty bad bouts of depression (which you don't even seem to realize or care about) and some horrible hormonal imbalances that cause various problems for me, which you love to throw in my face all the time, knowing that I can't do a damn thing about it if we're trying to have a baby. "You yell too much." "You're too sensitive." "You need to be on medication." "You're such a bitch." These are not things you should say to your wife, much less to someone who has gone off her anti-depressants during an extremely stressful time. Wonder why I'm so damn bitchy? Maybe because my estrogen is through the f-ing roof. Maybe because every other hormone in my body is out of whack as well. Maybe because I'm putting extra hormones into my body to try to have your child. Maybe because you are so damn selfish. I need to be more understanding? Do you even know how an f-ing IUI cycle works? Do you know what drugs I am on? Do you know what their side effects are? Do you know the importance of the various cycle days and test results? Do you know the emotional strain involved? No, you know none of this because you do not care. You have never bothered to look up my PCOS and find out more about it. You have not done any research on IUI's or the meds I am on. If you had, maybe you would be more understanding of me. I don't know how many times I need to tell you that if you cannot guarantee that you will be available during certain days of my cycle, then I cannot do a cycle. You say you want another child so badly, yet you act completely unconcerned about everything. Have you noticed how I keep referring to it as MY cycle? That's because I don't feel as if you have to do any work in this. You stay home with our daughter when I force you to so that I can go get my bloodwork and ultrasounds. If it were up to you, she would go with me. You don't feel it is your responsibility to watch her. "You need to find a sitter," you say. When I tell you that sitters and daycare don't operate at 5:30am, you tell me I need to work something else out. Ever think about how fair it is to a 2 year old to have to get up before the crack of dawn and get carted off to some strangers house twice a week? Nope, the effects on our two year old daughter don't concern you, only that you don't have to miss any time at work for anyone other than yourself. Because it's never a problem if you have an appointment or something you want to do is it? No.

You know what, through the whole stinking cycle, I am the one who has to get poked and prodded and dosed with hormones. You make your little deposit once and that's all you have to do. Is it really so much to ask that you don't complain about watching our daughter while I go to the doctor? Is it really so much to ask that you be certain of whether or not you will be available? When you know you have something coming up and tell me that it will not interfere, I should be able to believe you. I should not have to ask multiple times to finally have you tell me that you have no idea whether or not it will interfere because you don't know for sure when the trip is going to be. There is no excuse for that. Do not lie to me. And do not dare get pissed at me for being upset that you lied to me. I understand that this is your job and that you have to go when they tell you to, but when you know you have to go and deliberately tell me that you won't be gone during certain days, then when pressed admit you don't know that for sure, I feel I have every right to be angry. An unexpected trip is another story - I understand that this is your job and that these things happen, but I should not be expected to smile and say okay honey, I'll just push this next cycle off again, no big deal. I am allowed to be upset and hurt and angry. That is my right as a person, a wife, and someone undergoing fertility treatments. As my husband and someone who supposedly wants this so badly, you should show me more support. When these things happen, you should say "I'm sorry honey, I know this sucks, but I can't help it." "I understand how you feel and I'm upset too." The worst thing you can do is yell at me for being upset. It means nothing to you, because you are not the one who is planning everything. The one who has to plan what days to take one hormone so you can get your period around a certain day and start the other hormones another certain day so that your cycle days that you need monitoring, or God forbid the actual IUI, don't fall on a day when your husband might be out of town. You think nothing of having a trip come up so that a cycle has to be cancelled. "That's my job and you have to be more understanding of it." Here's a thought for you - right now, trying to have a baby is my job and I am busting my ass at it, and you need to be more understanding of that!

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