Monday, October 30, 2006

Sad

I am sad. My husband got the news today that he will be going to Iraq in January. We were holding onto hope that he would not have to go since it is not actually his turn (they have a number system of sorts). There is a guy whose turn it is, but apparently he is working on some 'pet project' for someone high ranking so my husband has to go in his place. I am very bitter. My husband's real turn will come up next January and just because he is being sent now does not make him immune when his number comes up. So basically he could be gone for 6 months, home for 6 months, then gone for 6 months again. And considering that the job he is in right now has him gone for at least 1 week a month anyways (including 2 weeks starting this Sunday), he will be away from us more than he will be with us.
This is also going to completely screw up our baby plans. We will still probably only get one IUI cycle in this year, then he will be leaving. We may look into banking his sperm for use while he is gone, but it will be extremely hard on my daughter and I. I would be injecting myself with crazy hormones again, without any support. My daughter would have to get up at 5am 2 mornings a week for at least 2 weeks, then get up early the day of the IUI, drive with me for an hour to pick up the 'bank deposit', drive an hour and a half back to the clinic, wait something like 2 hours for them to prepare it, then accompany me for the IUI. Not to mention that if I did get pregnant, I would be higher risk again (not high risk, just higher than average) so would require more monitoring. I don't think that a two year old should be subjected to all of that crap. I also don't know if I would even be allowed to bring her with me, considering the nature of the doctor visits.
Is this a sign? Does God not want me to have more children? Am I that horrible of a mother?
I don't even know what to do right now. I want to scream and shout at my husband but it is obviously not his fault. I feel so sorry for my daughter, who will not see her daddy for 4-6 months. How do you explain something like this to a 2 year old?
I guess I should try to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I don't think it will work though, because damn it I am upset!
I need to get out of here. If I stay here at home I will spend the rest of the afternoon crying. Instead, I will take my daughter shopping. I might even treat myself to a coffee product from the evil empire (*bucks). Because damn it, I deserve it.

2 comments:

MamaChristy said...

Let me start by saying this: YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER. Who knows what will happen with your cycle before he leaves. And if it doesn't happen, that just means your baby isn't done being an angel yet.

As for how to talk to a two year old about deployment, check this out:

http://www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/

I'm here for ya, babe.

Cyndi said...

Christie,
I NEVER want you to ever think you are a bad mother. You are definitely the best of the best. Don't ever think that again, instead please KNOW that there is plan for you. Maybe (well, definitely) not the plan that you were hoping, but it will work out. You don't need to worry about that. Tell Isabelle, that Daddy loves her more than anything else in the world, and he has to go on a trip, but every second of the time that he is away he will be thinking of his little girl.
I know this is a very, very hard time for you right now, know that I am thinking about you a lot, and wishing I was closer so you could have a few friends to help you.
Please know that you can do this, again it might not be the way you wanted it to be, but I am sure as much as you don't want or need Craig to leave, he does not want to leave twice as much.
As far as the baby making, also know there is a plan for that too. You have got to realize life is never, ever going to work out the way you "planned" it. You are one of the best mommys I know, and God knows Izzy needs a sibling, he is still working on it.
Again, know that you have a very true friend in me, and I will always listen to you. Focus on what you have right now, and more wonderful things (such as Izzy) will come when they are ready to come.
Lov,
Cyndi