Sunday, March 11, 2007

Waiting and waiting..... and dreading the result

So I did take an early test today, but it was of course negative. Mainly to be sure the hCG shot was out of my system, but really hoping for a positive anyways to give me hope. It's 11dpiui today.
So, I have one test left..... trying to decide if I want to use it tomorrow or wait one more day. I'll probably end up using it tomorrow then getting more if needed. Despite originally being so hopeful for this cycle, I'm beginning to expect a negative result. I did have a dream Friday night that I gave birth to twin boys..... but in the dream one of my sisters disappeared with one of them and I was running frantic all over the hospital and grounds looking for him. After a c-section too, and my incision hadn't been stitched for some reason. Very vivid and scary dream, but I woke up with the hope that my body was trying to tell me something. Either that I am pregnant with twins or that I am at least pregnant with one baby, hence the 'vanishing twin'. Hopefully not that I'm pregnant with twins but will lose one. I don't think I could handle that. But either way, since getting a negative test already, I'm losing hope.
I don't know if I can keep doing this. The waiting and not knowing just wreaks havoc on me. And every negative test is like a knife in my heart. And each failed cycle makes me wonder more and more whether or not this is going to happen for us. Maybe we will have to give up our dream of expanding our family. I don't even know how we would make that decision. This is something that we want so badly and never dreamed we wouldn't be able to have.
Well, I guess that we will have to wait a few more days to know anything for sure. AF is expected on the 16th. I'll probably keep testing until the 14th, then accept defeat. Please keep praying for a positive test! I know I spend most of the day (and night) doing just that.....


MamaChristy said...

I'm prayin'!

sariel & shlomit said...

Good luck!
I saw your comment over at Mel's bar and wanted to say that my good friend got a neg. hpt (post iui) the same day she got her positive beta! it can still happen!!

Chris said...

Goodness - I could have written this post (and maybe have over the past few days). I'm 10DPO - 4th round of IUIs, 1st round of injectibles and not feeling optimisitic either.

I wish there was a magical that could say whether or not it was ever going to happen. If I KNEW that one day I'd have a baby I could keep going but this wheel spinning crap just plain sucks.

I'll be thinking/praying for you.

Furrow said...

I saw your message at Mel's, too. I got a negative on 12dpiui and a positive on 13. I was absolutely sure my period was about to start, until I took my temp and saw that it was still up on the 13th. Good luck!

Karaoke Diva said...

Keeping fingers, toes and everything in between crossed for you!

The Town Criers said...

I'm crossing my fingers for you too. It's never over until it's over--regardless of what peesticks say.

We're pretty honest with the kids and tell them (1) about their conception and (2) about trying to make another baby in terms they can understand. We talk about going to a special clinic where they help put a baby in the Mommy's belly. And how it sometimes makes us feel sad because it's simply sometimes sad to wait. We've explained it with things like, "you know how sometimes you want two sugars in one day and Mommy says you can only have one and you feel sad? It's sort of like that. Mommy tells the doctor that she wants the baby in her belly now, and he tells her that she has to wait. And it makes me sad. And since I'm bigger, my sad is sometimes bigger too. So I start crying from the big sad." I know you probably didn't need to hear that conversation in two-year-old speak. But they seem to do fine if they know that the tears are connected to the future baby.

My mum also went through IF and she always told us what was going on in kid-appropriate language. And she's an early childhood specialist. So I figure copying her is a good idea because she has a degree in that sort of thing :-)

The Town Criers said...

Oh, damn, and I forgot the strawberry margarita. Here it is--on the house. Virgin, of course.