Tuesday, February 13, 2007

A little, okay a lot of, background

Since I feel like whining, and I also feel like going back through all this infertility shit, here's a little background on our 'journey'. I went off birth control when we got married in 2001. We immediately started trying to get pregnant, but with few and far between periods and never getting positive OPK's (ovulation predictor kit), we couldn't exactly time things. But nevertheless, we were your average newlyweds and had a healthy sex life so by the standard odds, we should have gotten pregnant. But of course we didn't. Towards the end of 2002, after trying on our own for about a year and a half, we finally convinced a doctor to give me a referral to an obgyn that specialized in infertility. But first, he wanted to try 'resetting my system' with 3 months of birth control. So we wasted 3 more months on that. Finally, around May of 2003 we got to see the obgyn. She diagnosed me with PCOS and started me on Clomid. We did 3 rounds of Clomid, going up to 150mg and I never even ovulated. We always had to use Provera to induce a period so we could start another round of meds. So, after 3 failed rounds of Clomid, I got a referral to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). They confirmed the PCOS with an ultrasound that showed the classic 'black pearl necklace' around my ovaries. They decided to try another round of 150mg Clomid, with blood tests and ultrasound monitoring, followed by an hCG trigger shot. We never got to the shot, because I once again didn't respond to the Clomid. So, the next step was injectables with IUI. Our insurance would not cover any part of an IUI (meds, monitoring, etc), so we decided to try a round of injectables with timed intercourse to see how I responded to the injections. Took 2 weeks of Repronex shots, but finally we were able to do the hCG trigger shot, do our thing, and we got lucky! 13 days after the hCG shot, I got a positive home pregnancy test. Our beautiful daughter was conceived in November of 2003, after over 2 years of trying, and she was born in August of 2004.

After her birth, I went on birth control per doctor recommendation, but after finding out that PCOSers can sometimes be more fertile in the year after giving birth, we decided it was worth a shot and went off birth control when our daughter was 3 months old. We've been trying to get pregnant ever since, but have faced the same problem with no ovulation. Finally managed to get another referral for infertility last year, and after sitting on a waiting list for several months, we went in August of 2006 for our consult. We had been trying on our own for almost 2 years. Of course, they wanted to try Clomid again, so we did. Failed of course. Moved on to Femara with IUI. First IUI failed. Second cycle of Femara with IUI ended up almost being cancelled because I wasn't responding to the Femara anymore. I convinced my doctor to add some injectables into the mix to try to salvage the cycle, so we did. Took my hCG trigger shot Jan 29 and had the second IUI Jan 31. So far, hpt's are showing me nothing but blank white space staring me in the face where I should be seeing a pretty pink line.

General consensus seems to be that the average couple will get pregnant within 6 months of actively trying. 90% of women will conceive within a year. You are generally considered infertile if 1 year of properly timed intercourse doesn't result in pregnancy. Unfortunately for many of us infertiles, there is no such thing as 'properly timed intercourse' without medical intervention. In my case, I never ovulate. I produce multiple follicles on a regular basis, but they never make it to maturity and never release. Hence, the pearl necklace on my ovaries - all the follicles the have not, and will not, mature. I have been told by many, including complete strangers, to just relax, if it's meant to be it will happen, it must be God's will, God doesn't give us more than we can handle, are we sure we're doing it right, why don't we just adopt, if we adopt we'll get pregnant, it happened for so and so, and on and on. It's not uncommon for a stranger to ask me why my daughter doesn't have a sibling yet, what am I waiting for, don't wait too long, you don't want an only child, etc, etc.

Infertility is not something that people choose. If you have never been through infertility, you cannot imagine what it is like. It is emotionally, physically, and for many financially, stressful. It puts strain on your marriage. It takes the joy out of sex. It wears you down and takes over your life. It makes you crazy and angry and resentful. I've heard of it ruining friendships because it is hard for an infertile to celebrate birth after birth for another. It makes you feel like there is something wrong with you. Like you are a failure. Your friends and family can get pregnant, why can't you? The crack whore on the street corner can get pregnant, why can't you? The people who beat and molest their children can get pregnant, why can't you? How is this God's will? Why should I believe that God would rather give the meth addict a baby to kill, then give me one to love? Who the hell are you to tell me that this is God's will? I'm sorry, this is getting too hard and I am probably going to go too far. Forgive me, I'm very upset.

1 comment:

MamaChristy said...

It is SO OKAY to be upset. Right now, you want to try and expand your family with biological children. That is your choice and no on whas a right to tell you that it isn't right for your family. There is no such thing as waiting too long for your next child. You will have your child when you are meant to and how you are meant to. It is God's will, but that doesn't mean you can't have doctors help you. Their skills are God's will, too. And as for that crack whore - well, who knows what God has planned for that baby. Let's worry about your wanted baby. It's happier that way. It will happen for you. We just don't know when. I'm sorry that this is hard on you and your lovely little family. If I can help, please let me know. *mwah*