Wow, am I really this blah?!

Okay, Tertia, one of my favorite bloggers, posted her results to this over on her blog and I was interested so I went and took the test too. My results are below, but not in table format because my percentages kept getting cut off the screen otherwise.

I'm not sure how I feel about my results...... the things in the trait snapshot are pretty accurate, but I'm not sure they truly sum me up. I guess I really do fit the description of depression, but I don't like that it seems to completely dominate my personality profile. Though I think the Hypersensitivity results are definitely accurate! No matter how hard I try to suppress it, I overreact to things and get very emotional, be it angry, upset or whatever over stupid things!

Those of you who know me..... does this test seem to show the true me pretty well? Please be honest!

By the way, I'm interested in your results too, so go take the quiz and share!


Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion |||||| 26%
Stability |||| 16%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Interdependence |||||| 23%
Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56%
Mystical |||||||||||| 43%
Artistic |||||||||| 36%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||| 23%
Materialism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43%
Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56%
Self absorbed |||| 16%
Conflict seeking |||| 16%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70%

Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 50%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Wealth || 10%
Dependency |||||||||||||| 56%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Individuality |||||| 23%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Peter pan complex |||||| 30%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Physical fitness || 10%
Histrionic |||| 16%
Paranoia |||||||||||| 43%
Vanity || 10%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

Merry Christmas!

I know it's technically not Christmas anymore, at least not in my timezone, but since I haven't gone to bed yet I say it's still Christmas!

We had such a wonderful day, I can only hope you all had as much fun as we did. Our little girl was so excited to open all her presents, and boy was she happy when she saw that Santa had delivered on his promise to bring her a Dor@ Doll House if she was a good girl. And our friends and family gave her such wonderful gifts too - we are truly blessed! We definitely miss having our family around during the holidays, but it was nice to talk to everyone on the phone. It sounds like they all had a great day too.

We're going to continue the fun tomorrow with a trip to Se@ World. It's supposed to be mostly sunny with a high of 67 so it should be a nice day. I just hope everyone else doesn't have the same idea!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

I can't believe it is Christmas Eve! I also can't remember the last time I was this excited about Christmas morning. This is the first year my daughter has shown an interest and understanding in Santa Claus and the whole presents thing. She does know that it is Baby Jesus' birthday, but as a 2 year old, she is definitely more concerned about the presents! I wrapped all but one of her gifts Friday night and her stocking stuffers are ready to go in her stocking. The only thing not wrapped is her big present she has been asking Santa for - a Dora Doll House. I hadn't planned on wrapping it, I was just going to set it up and put a big bow on it. But, she has never seen the dollhouse out of the box, she has only seen the box in the stores, so I thought that it would be better to let her unwrap the box and see that it is exactly what she has been asking for. I know, a bit silly, but I really want her to know that Santa came through on his promise to get her exactly that if she was a good girl. Because she has been a good girl. Sure, she can be a pain in the you-know-what at times, but isn't that the case with all 2 year olds? At the end of every day I have to admit that she was more good than 'bad' and that I would not trade my time with her for anything.

Now we just have to get working on what she wants for Christmas next year - a baby brother or sister!

Happy Holidays everyone! Enjoy your time with your family and/or friends and make some wonderful memories together......

It's official.

AF reared her ugly head this morning. I am definitely not pregnant. Of course, I thought I knew that already, but I was still holding that little tiny thread of hope until it got ripped out of my hands. Damn.
The fertility clinic returned my call this morning and asked how I'm doing. My response made it clear what had happened. Their response? "As you know, we're not doing cycles this month because of Christmas vacations, but we'll be happy to do another IUI for you next month." You know what I wanted to tell them? To shove their Christmas vacations up their you-know-what. Not that I think they don't deserve a vacation. But I do think that of the 5 or so doctors and countless nurses in the clinic, one of each could come in for 30 minutes on one of their vacation days to do my ultrasound and bloodwork. I think things that like go along with working in the medical field, and when you are talking about something as time-sensitive as infertility treatments, they should make some concessions.

My husband just called. He has to go out of town for work this week. We had lots of stuff planned for his 3 days off, but now that's all scrapped because some higher up asshole doesn't understand that it is the holidays and people want to spend time with their families. Or more likely that the higher up asshole is spending time with his family but doesn't care if others get to do the same or not. I find it interesting how my husband gets his vacation ruined for some stupid meeting, but the people at my clinic can't take an hour out of theirs to help save my sanity. Looks like we won't be starting another cycle until the end of January or early February.

Now please excuse me while I go into the bathroom to swear and cry before composing myself to take my daughter out for the day.

Can I get a beta please?

That is what I'm going to ask my doctor's office tomorrow. I'm going to tell them that I am 16dpiui (days past IUI)(as of tomorrow) and all my home tests have come up as negative as possible and that I would like a beta to confirm this. I'm feeling very sad and every time I see that damn blank white space where a nice pink line should be my heart breaks just a little bit more. AF is not here yet so supposedly there is still a chance I could be pregnant but it is pretty doubtful right now. I'm going to try to hold on to that tiny thread of hope until I get my beta results, but I have to admit that the thread is wearing very very thin and I'm not sure I can hang on to it much longer. I just want to know for sure so that I can try to move on. As long as I keep having to pee on a d@mn stick every day or two I am going to continue getting that sick to my stomach, can't breathe feeling every time I see the blank white space next to that pretty pink control line.
I'm going to east another truffle and try to drown my sorrows in chocolate, since I can't drown it in tequila until I have that beta.........

Sunburn in December.....

and not from a nice Caribbean vacation either. Just from being a complete dumba@@ who sat out in the direct sun for about 6 hours yesterday for a craft fair in an open, completely unshaded parking lot. Oh yeah, and it was about 80 degrees, sunny and clear. In freaking December! I will never get used to this Texas weather. And if I do, I'm sure it will be just in time for our next move.....

So far, nothing but BFN

I couldn't wait. So I tested Tuesday, just to see if the hCG shot was out of my system, so if I later got a positive I could trust it. So, Tuesday was a BFN, which was good because the next positive test would then mean I was pregnant. So, I tested this morning. Another BFN. I'm definitely feeling discouraged. Sure, I still have two days before I was supposed to test, but when I got pregnant with my daughter, I tested early as well and got a positive several days early. I even got a confirmed positive blood test at 13dpo(days past ovulation). So i was kind of expecting to see a positive test by now. I think I will go to the store today and get a more sensitive test. So far I have used the dollar store ones. I'm going to get something like Fir$t Re$pon$e, that is supposed to be better when testing early. Who knows, maybe it will make a difference. I'm just not counting on it. I know, I should try to stay positive (ha! stay positive when negative!), but it's getting harder and harder as the days progress So..... I guess I'll update at some point after the next test. Maybe if we all pray hard enough, the results will be different next time!

The Waiting Game

I hate waiting! I have almost tested twice already, but I know it won't be accurate! I technically shouldn't test until Saturday...... but I'm really really tempted to test Wednesday. Or maybe Tuesday. Is there any chance testing tomorrow would do any good?

According to most doctors, you need to wait at least 2 weeks after your hCG trigger shot before taking a pregnancy test, because the tests monitor hCG and any that is still lingering from the shot will throw off the test and cause a false positive. So they say to wait two weeks for it to be out of your system. But, my non-doctor online resources (namely other infertiles!) say it's possible it will be gone as soon as 9 days after the shot. Tomorrow (today) will be 11 days post-trigger. 10.5 or so if I test in the morning. But.... the best thing to do is wait 2 weeks after the IUI. That would mean waiting until Saturday. My original plan was to compromise and test Wednesday (with additional tests to follow of course). But now I don't think I can wait that long! But if I test too soon and get a positive I have no way to know for sure if it's really positive! Argh! Such a dilemma!

The deed has been done......

I am officially inseminated. The process itself wasn't too bad, just some pinching feelings. Since then though I've been getting some bad cramps, but that is supposed to be normal.

Now we begin the dreadful 2 week wait. I'm going to try to stay busy volunteering and Christmas shopping so I don't have as much time to obsess!

Do not pass Go, do not collect $200

Or is it, pass Go and collect $200? Or better yet, the way we always played was if you land on Go, you collect $500. Well, I didn't collect $500, but I did get a needle in my butt!



Since the sight of the needle practically made my husband pass out, my good friend MamaChristy gave me the trigger shot tonight. It was easier on both of us than we had anticipated. And hey, she now has bragging rights - she's the first woman to ever 'make' me ovulate!

I'm so excited.....

(singing) and I just can't hide it! I'm about to release some eggs, and I think I like it.

So things went amazingly well at the doctor! I was not expecting anything, but it turns out the Letrizole(Femara) worked! My right ovary has a nice big juicy 22.4mm follicle and my left has a 14.8mm follicle. I will be getting my hCG trigger shot tonight (intra-muscular unfortunately!) and having the IUI Saturday morning! So, there's a good chance I could release two eggs! And a decent chance I could be pregnant by Christmas! I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but damn am I excited!

Crossing my fingers.....

and asking for you to cross yours too! I'll find out tomorrow morning if there has been any change, as in "have these stupid follicles grown?!". Ideally I'd like to have 2 follicles at 18-20mm. That would mean I'd be doing my trigger shot tomorrow and probably having my IUI on Friday or Saturday. But, I'll be happy if the follicles are like 16mm. That would probably mean going in again on Friday to make sure they are ready (approx 18-22mm), then triggering Friday night or Saturday.

The main thing I'm looking for is that the follicles are bigger than last time. And that if they are not, then the doc will finally let me use the injections again. So, please cross your fingers for me! I'll post tomorrow and let you know what happened.....

additional info

I forgot to mention that my uterine lining was much thinner at this appointment..... 4.2mm, which is pretty thin. So.... either nothing is happening and that is why my lining is thin and my follicles are small; OR my body is taking it's sweet time, which it has been known to do in the past, and come Thursday my lining will be a little thicker and my follies will be a little bigger. Guess I have no choice but to play the waiting game until Thursday....

In the meantime, I am sick as a dog and I'm not sure why. I have either the flu or a horrible head cold, and I'm also battling a stomach bug. My sinuses hurt and my head is so congested it feels like it is full of marshmallow fluff. Some of which is melting out my nose. And making my eyes sting and water. Not to mention I am exhausted and so thirsty I feel like I've been walking in the Sahara for days! Do you have a good visual yet? I checked the good 'ole internet and the flu isn't going around my area much yet so it is probably just a cold, but I sure wish I knew for sure! So far my daughter seems okay.... hopefully it stays that way! And hopefully this goes away by Thursday, because it is d@mn hard to get up at 5am and drive for 45 minutes when you feel like you've been run over by a bus!

Update, cd13

Went in for my monitoring this morning. I have 2 hopeful follicles. One on my left ovary is ~11mm and one on my right ovary is ~12mm, along with a gazillion under 10mm on each ovary. These 2 are kind of small for cd13, but since they are larger than my average follies, we're going to check back on Thursday to see if they grew. No guarantees though since the Femara is a new medication for me! I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's so hard! 'Normally', follicles grow 1-3mm per day until ovulation. So, if I was normal, my 2 follies could be 'ripe' by the weekend. However, I am far from normal, so we'll just have to wait and see! Meanwhile I'll be waiting anxiously, with my fingers crossed....

OPK BFN

Against my better judgement, I used an Ovulation Predictor Kit this morning. Actually got my hopes up when a line appeared in the test window. My husband came in as I was reading the results and he got excited too. Then I read the instructions more thoroughly and discovered that an OPK is not like a pregnancy test. With a pregnancy test, any line in the test window indicates a positive result. With an OPK, the line in the test window has to be as dark as or darker than the line in the reference window (I can't think if what it is actually called). So, even though I had a line in the test window, it was much lighter than the other line, so my results were negative. I should have gone with my instincts and not even done the stupid test. I had planned on just telling the doc that I forgot or something, because I didn't want to get myself down before I actually go in to the doctor tomorrow to find out if the meds are working.
I'll post an update sometime in the next day or two about what happens at the doc tomorrow. I'm anticipating bad news though so don't start biting your nails in anticipation or anything!

A day for giving thanks....

I just wanted to write a brief note regarding what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving.....
*My wonderful, beautiful daughter, who truly means the world to me and amazes me each day. I cannot imagine life without her.
*My husband, whom I do not show my thanks for enough. If not for him, I wouldn't be able to spend all of these glorious days with my daughter - I would instead be working. And who else would put up with all my horrible mood swings? Oh yeah, and I'm SO thankful he still finds me sexy after all the changes my body has gone through since he married me!
*My insurance..... I know, who gives thanks to their insurance? Okay, maybe I should thank the government, since we have military insurance. But anyways, without them I would not have my beautiful little girl, and I would not have the opportunity to have yet another little miracle in my life in the hopefully-near future. And for that I am very thankful.
*My family, who I am beginning to realize will not always be there. We have unfortunately lost too many important members (my father-in-law, my dad, my husband's grandma, and my grandpa in the past 6 years) and it has really made me realize that life is too short and can end unexpectedly so to appreciate what you have more while it is here. I am truly thankful for the time I get to spend with my family.
*My friends , some of whom who are more like family to me than my own blood (you know who you are!). I am so thankful that I have friends who have been and, I believe, always will be there when I need them.

I hope that all of you have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time with those who are special to you.....

From the mouths of babes....

Out shopping with my daughter today (poor lil thing has been sick but I had to run some errands!) and she said the darndest thing that just made my day. She was sitting in the front of the cart and she leaned over to hug me and said "I love you mama, you're the best mama I ever seen." I swear to God, that is exactly what she said! I have no idea where she learned it, but she has said it to me several times today, including once in front of my husband who was as awed as I was! I just cannot believe how frequently this little girl leaves me speechless and amazed!

irritated

I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but I volunteer for a local humane society as a foster parent for cats until we can find them a good home. I've been doing this for several months now and have had 7-8 cats in and out of my house in that time. This is on top of the 3 of my own I already had, and the 1 foster kitten we recently adopted to make it 4 of our own. Right now I've got 5 cats in my house, meaning 5 cats to feed, clean up after, and give attention to.
Anyways, a couple of my cats have come down with some health issues that we (and our vet) feel may be stress related. So I told the humane society that I can no longer foster for them and need someone to take the foster cat I have right now because she is causing some problems in my home. I got an email back basically saying "we'll see what we can do, but in my experience these health issues are not caused by stress". To which I replied that in our opinion and our vets opinion, the stress of strange cats in the house is the only cause we can find and whether or not they agree we would like to try removing the stress and seeing what happens. Also, that I have had some personal issues lately that are preventing me from having the time and energy to keep up with so many cats. And..... I have not heard a word since. I sent these emails out on Friday. Now, I realize this may not seem like a long time to wait for a response, but let me tell you this - whenever I have emailed with offers to help, I have received a response within hours. Whenever they have asked me for help, I have responded within hours. This is an all-volunteer organization, so I understand that they rely on volunteers to foster, but I also know that they have a 'core' membership that is in charge and could easily take in this cat.
I guess I'm just really peeved that I have done a lot to help them out, yet when I ask for help in return (meaning please take back this foster cat that I am under no obligation to keep for you) so I can take care of the health of my own cats, I get nothing from them. I'm debating what I should do if I continue to not hear anything from them. Threaten to take her to the pound? That's what the people who contact them about strays are threatening when they call me to take in a foster to save it's life. Seems to get a quick response, but I shouldn't have to go to that extreme. I'm at a loss for ideas......

The NEW verdict is in!

I'm disappointed. Went in today and my endometrial lining is at 18, which is way too thick. That would be caused by my off-the-charts levels of estrogen, which I knew about though didn't know it was as high as it is. Also didn't really know all the effects of high estrogen. Let's see..... migraines, check; fatigue, check; pms and mood swings, double freaking check; weight gain, check; muscle aches and pains, check; depression, check; abnormal bleeding, check check check check check. Oh yeah, did I mention the increased risk of breast cancer? Oh, the fun our wacky hormones bring.
Anyways, apparently the doc is leary of putting me on injectables. I have so many follicles on my ovaries thanks to the PCOS he seems to want to avoid injectables at all costs. So the plan is now to try something called Letrozole. He wants to at least give this a try before moving on to injectables. I'm disappointed because I know the injectables work - that's how I got my beautiful daughter! But I guess if there's a chance this will work, then I'm willing to try it. What's one more month right?
So, I take 2 of these pills every day for cd4-8, then I go in on cd13 (the Monday after Thanksgiving) for bloodwork and ultrasound to see if I'm responding to it. If so, we'll go ahead with the IUI.
In the meantime, I have horrible cramps and a sick cat (more about this at a later time) so I'm outta here.....

The verdict is in!

The clinic finally called me back around 3:30pm. Yesterday was cd1 and tomorrow we will officially begin our first IUI cycle! The way the 'morning clinic' works for the monitoring is that the hospital doors open at 6:30am. You go to the clinic, take a number, then walk over to the lab and wait to have your blood drawn. After being poked with a needle multiple times (thanks to my horrible veins), I will then go back to the clinic and wait for my number to be called for my ultrasound. Based on what the ultrasound shows my uterine lining and follicles to be doing, and what my lab results show for my hormone levels, I will be told at some point that day how much medicine to inject (usually 1 or 2 vials). I will start the injections tomorrow, and continue them and my bi-weekly monitoring until my follicles are mature, then I'll do a 'trigger shot' of a different hormone to force my body to ovulate. Followed a day or 2 later by the actual IUI. So, that's the plan! Cross your fingers that everything looks good tomorrow so I can start the injections! With any luck, I could be pregnant by mid-December. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's so hard!
Anyways, I have to be up at 5am so I can leave by 5:30 for the clinic. So, I'll update this weekend!

Argh! I hate waiting!

I called the clinic message line last night (around 6pm) and left them a message that it was cd1 and I was supposed to start an IUI cycle and to please call me to set up my monitoring schedule, as Friday would be cd3 and I would need to be in at 6:30am. I called again around 11:30am this morning to leave another message that I'm not sure it was cd1 because it's just been spotting and could someone please call me to verify if it is indeed cd1 and if I will be coming in tomorrow morning at 6:30am for monitoring because I needed to set up childcare and that it's hard to find someone to babysit at 6am, so to please call me asap to let me know what the plan is. I figured they don't need to know I already told my husband to come home early from his trip.
Yeah, it's almost 2pm now and still no call back. I'm pretty sure this spotting is my period since I had such a horrible one a few weeks ago. There can't be much left in my body to shed! But still, I'd really like to know what the f*** is going on! I've got my hopes up about starting our first IUI cycle, and I made my husband and his coworker drive home tonight assuming I would be going in tomorrow morning. Now I don't know what is going on! I just wish they would call me back!! Argh! I'm getting so super-cranky!

So much for planning

Remember back, oh, a few weeks ago I guess, when I had the wonderful hemorhaging incident and had to start birth control? And how the plan was that I would stop the birth control when we were ready to do our IUI cycle? Yeah, so based on my extensive history with birth control pills, I calculated when I would need to take my last pill to start my period so my cd3 monitoring would fall after my husband gets home from his trip. In the past, I always started a pack of pills on Sunday and would end on a Saturday. I would take my last pill Saturday morning and would always start my period Tuesday evening. So I figured that I would take my last pill this Monday night that just passed, and I would start my period no sooner than Friday morning. I had it all planned out because my husband is coming home Friday afternoon. So he could watch our daughter Saturday, Sunday, or whenever while I went in for my 6:30am baselines. Yeah, my plan just got screwed! I started my period tonight. So that means I will have to go for my baselines Friday morning. At 6:30am. Leaving my house at 5:30am. And I cannot take my daughter. So I just called my husband and told him he has to drive home tomorrow night. He probably won't get in before midnight, but tough crap. The only problem is that he is not the only one on this trip and he has the only car. So the guy who went with him would have to also pack all his bags tonight (mind you, it's past 10pm), check out in the morning, and drive back with my husband tomorrow night whenever they get done with work. So he his trying to reach the guy right now. I hope to God he does and that they can work it out, because I have no idea what I will do otherwise!!!

I'll update as soon as I know something.....

-----Update, 10:17pm - he did reach the other guy and they will be driving home after work tomorrow. They'll have a crappy drive and hit lots of work traffic, but he will definitely make it home in time to stay with our daughter while I go to the clinic. I'm saved!
By the way, since I will be starting those oh-so-wonderful injections soon, be prepared for plenty of weeping and whining!

I get by with a little help from my friends....

I don't, however, get high with a little help from my friends, unlike the Beatles.
Anyways, my daughter has been feeling a bit under the weather the past couple days and I am exhausted. It's always rough when my husband is out of town, because there are no breaks - I am the only parent, caretaker, etc, all day and all night. Often when my husband is on one of his trips, my dear friend and neighbor, MamaChristy makes my daughter and I dinner. Even though we couldn't go over for dinner since my daughter is sick, she brought us dinner tonight. Isn't that sweet? Anyways, it looked so cool (and tasted great) when it came out of the oven that I thought I'd post a picture of it here. Followed by a couple pics of the cookies I made Monday and Tuesday. Are you getting hungry yet?

Road Trip Update

So...... the road trip wasn't too bad. My daughter got up super early the day we left so was a total crab for the first hour and a half. We stopped for lunch and put a movie (Cars, the 3 year old's choice) in and she was still a crab. After about 20-30 minutes, we decided to switch to one of her movies and she did much better after that. The rest of the drive there went pretty well.

Thursday we had dinner at the hotel buffet (can't beat free!), Friday we went to the park and that night we went to dinner at the Hoffbrau or something like that. A steakhouse across from the hotel. I was not very impressed, but that's irrelevant. The walk there along the river, and under the road, was nice. The kids really enjoyed the river. We took a walk during the day a couple times and they saw turtles, ducks, some kind of white bird (egret or crane or something), and even a snake in the water.

Saturday was the zoo, where my daughter was again a whiny-butt until lunch, but it's tough to make a 2 year old understand that just because the 3 year old is allowed to run up ahead doesn't mean she can. We had that problem a lot during the trip. He'd be running ahead and she wanted to go too and we kept having to yell at her to stay by us. Sorry, my toddler needs to stay where I can grab her if necessary. It's too easy for someone else to grab them when they are not by you. Anyways, after lunch we had fun at the zoo, the kids fed some fish in the water by the giraffes, we rode the train, and saw a bunch of animals. Saturday night we had leftovers from the steakhouse. Still crappy the second time around.

Oh, did I mention we had free breakfast at the hotel every day? That was really nice. We stayed at a Residence Inn and they provided really excellent service.

So back to the trip..... Sunday we went to the Botanical Gardens for a couple hours. I highly recommend it to anyone visiting the Ft Worth area. We only got to see a couple of the gardens, but they were beautiful. Actually, there were several families there doing family photos because the grounds were a perfect back-drop. After that we had lunch at Chili's, one of my favorites, then we drove home.

The drive home wasn't too bad either. The kids slept about 30-40 minutes in the beginning and we only stopped twice (actually, we only stopped twice both ways. We times our last stop perfect because about 15 minutes after we got back on the road we go stuck by an accident ahead of us. We were dead-stopped for 30 minutes. The kids behaved great for it though! They got a little whiny towards the end, but hey, it'd been a busy weekend for them!

So, all-in-all, the trip went well. I'll post some pics below.... there might be a lot because I can't choose!

Daddy and his Little Princess

White 'bird' on the river

Rose Garden 1

Rose Garden 2

Reflection Pond 1

Reflection Pond 2

Road Trip..... from hell??

Leaving Thursday to drive up to Fort Worth with a full van. Not only will I have my two year old daughter with me, but I will also have a 3 year old boy and a less-than-one year old (I can't remember how old he is). Plus their mom, a woman I don't really know all that well, but is nice. See, my husband and her husband work together and they are both in Fort Worth for work right now so apparenlty we had both planned on driving up so our husbands thought we should do it together. Now, I've tried to get out of it numerous ways, but apparently my husband does not understand that I really don't want to take a 5-6 hour road trip with 3 young children. One newly potty trained and probably having to pee every 10 minutes. The other still at least partially breastfed which means additional stops at feeding time. Now my daughter, she has always been a trooper on car trips. She can easily go 2 hours without stopping (usually sleeping half of it or more) and since she is still wearing diapers I don't have to listen to "I have to go potty" 10 minutes after having passed a rest stop.
Oh, one more thing - since my husband drove himself and this other guy up to Fort Worth and I am driving everyone else in my van, anywhere that we go while there will have to be in two separate cars. We planned a trip to the Dallas zoo, so now they are going with us, but the husbands will have to drive separately. We planned to go out to a nice dinner one night. So now we will all have to go together, with our husbands driving separately. Does anyone else wonder what the point is of driving all this way so I can spend all of my freaking time with this other woman and her children? The whole point was supposed to be that we could spend the weekend together since he's gone so flippin' often nowadays. But instead of going Friday-Monday, now we have to go Thursday-Sunday because the 3 year old has a dr appointment Monday morning. So essentially we're driving all this way to really only have one full day together (Saturday) and that is now going to be spent with this other family at the zoo.
I'm a very private, solitary person. I like to be by myself, with my family, and sometimes friends who I know well. I don't like to be around people I barely know. I'm not comfortable. I'm very bitter that what I was thinking of as a vacation has turned into a chore.

What do our dreams mean?

Okay, so I've been meaning to post about this for awhile now. I find myself often dreaming about my exes. Two of them in particular, one more than the other. I'm not entirely sure why it is these two and not any others, but suspect it is because these are the two I had the biggest connection with. They were my first loves and we were together for a decent length of time (1.5 years with one, and probably about the same with the other, but spread out more). I find myself wondering what they are up to, if they are married, have kids, etc. What would have happened if things had worked out differently for us. If anyone is educated on the meaning behind our dreams (I know there are books and stuff out there), I'd be happy to answer any questions to help clarify things. Basically, I'm wondering why this is constantly happening and if other people have the same thing going on? It's really starting to get to me.....

Sad

I am sad. My husband got the news today that he will be going to Iraq in January. We were holding onto hope that he would not have to go since it is not actually his turn (they have a number system of sorts). There is a guy whose turn it is, but apparently he is working on some 'pet project' for someone high ranking so my husband has to go in his place. I am very bitter. My husband's real turn will come up next January and just because he is being sent now does not make him immune when his number comes up. So basically he could be gone for 6 months, home for 6 months, then gone for 6 months again. And considering that the job he is in right now has him gone for at least 1 week a month anyways (including 2 weeks starting this Sunday), he will be away from us more than he will be with us.
This is also going to completely screw up our baby plans. We will still probably only get one IUI cycle in this year, then he will be leaving. We may look into banking his sperm for use while he is gone, but it will be extremely hard on my daughter and I. I would be injecting myself with crazy hormones again, without any support. My daughter would have to get up at 5am 2 mornings a week for at least 2 weeks, then get up early the day of the IUI, drive with me for an hour to pick up the 'bank deposit', drive an hour and a half back to the clinic, wait something like 2 hours for them to prepare it, then accompany me for the IUI. Not to mention that if I did get pregnant, I would be higher risk again (not high risk, just higher than average) so would require more monitoring. I don't think that a two year old should be subjected to all of that crap. I also don't know if I would even be allowed to bring her with me, considering the nature of the doctor visits.
Is this a sign? Does God not want me to have more children? Am I that horrible of a mother?
I don't even know what to do right now. I want to scream and shout at my husband but it is obviously not his fault. I feel so sorry for my daughter, who will not see her daddy for 4-6 months. How do you explain something like this to a 2 year old?
I guess I should try to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I don't think it will work though, because damn it I am upset!
I need to get out of here. If I stay here at home I will spend the rest of the afternoon crying. Instead, I will take my daughter shopping. I might even treat myself to a coffee product from the evil empire (*bucks). Because damn it, I deserve it.

Excuse me?

I just had to share this, because it is still bothering me a little......
My husband, daughter and I went to the commissary (grocery store) today. At first my daughter was riding in the cart. She kept asking to get out, so after awhile we let her out. No sooner did we let her out and were standing in an aisle looking at, I think it was corn, than an old man starts coming down the aisle. My husband and I both told our daughter to be careful and stay out of the way so she doesn't get 'run over' and she stayed out of the way over by my husband. As the old man approaches, he says "You need to get back in that cart little girl." I, thinking he was joking around, said,"Yeah, we just finally let her out, she doesn't like riding in the cart very much." As he walks by, he says,"Well, you should leave her at home then."My jaw practically hit the floor, and my husband and I both said "Excuse me?!" My husband versaid again, "Excuse me, what did you just say?" and to me "That was rude" and I said "Yes very rude, especially considering she is behaving very well and did not even get in his way." The old man just kept walking. So I said a little louder, "I guess we should just leave her home by herself? I sure hope you don't have any grandchildren sir." I'm sorry, but that totally pissed me off. I am not one of those people who lets their kid run around in stores. My daughter either stays right by my husband and I, or she gets carried or put in the cart. She of course does not stay right by our side, but she is expected to stay within a few (and I mean a few) feet of us. When we are in an aisle and noone else is around, we'll let her have a little more leeway, but when other people are around she has to stay right next to us. So I take huge offense to someone daring to say I should not bring my daughter shopping with me. Damn bitter old man.

Miracle?

Well, I'm still alive. 24 hours after starting the uber-doses of birth control pills, the bleeding slowed significantly. 72 hours later and it is pretty much gone. The birth control is doing a real number on me (major mood swings and super-fatigue), but I think anything is better than continuing to lose blood at the rate I was.
So, since noone chose to guess, I won't reveal the numbers. But, I will tell you that based on my calculations (using how much blood a super-plus tampon holds times approx how many I went through in the 4 days the flood of 2006 lasted), I lost somewhere in the vicinity of 2 pints of blood in 4 days. How my body kept up with it, I don't know, but based on lab results I was producing it as fast as I was losing it. When you donate blood, you donate 1 pint. Supposedly the body replenishes the plasma in 24 hours and the cells in about a week. However, you are generally only allowed to donate every 2 months to allow the body to fully recover and replenish. The human body is an amazing thing.

Update

This time the bleeding didn't decide to slow down for the doctors. They saw it in all it's gory, I mean glory! There was a student doctor who was training on my case and she could not do the pelvic exam. She kept trying then told the experienced doctor that she can't do it, there's too much blood. So the other doctor tries and she has trouble too. Says she can't get the speculum 'hooked' on the cervix because she can't see what she's doing. Kept apologizing for hurting me, but she finally got it in. They seemed pretty shocked by the amount of blood. I also gave them the log I kept of my bleeding today. Yeah, they were quite impressed, especially when I clarified that the log was basically representative of the past 4 days. Up until the pelvic exam, they were still trying to convince me to wait it out, rather than taking anything to stop it. Once they did the pelvic exam and got to see first hand that I was not exaggerating at all, they changed their mind. So, I am taking the birth control pill Yasmin for awhile. We have to 'shock' my system to stop the bleeding so I am taking 3 pills a day for 3 days, then 2 pills a day for 3 days, then I need to take 1 pill a day for at least 2 weeks before we can try to plan an IUI cycle. The good news is that they seem pretty confident that I do not have any fibroids or polyps. The bad news is I don't know how long it will take for the bleeding to stop, or even slow. So far, it's the same. Not sure if I will risk sleep tonight or not. Maybe I'll just set my alarm every couple hours. I don't think I can continue living with very little to no sleep. I've literally been at my breaking point for the past couple days. I have had some minor breakdowns. Okay, maybe not so minor, but definitely not major!
Hey, anyone know the record for most tampons used by one person in a day or weekend? Because I'm pretty sure I broke it. Wanna make a game of it? Take a guess and we'll see who comes close.

I'm baaaack.... with gory details again

Hope you haven't gotten sick of me yet, because I've got more to say. For those of you that know me, you know I would never be awake and functioning right now if there wasn't a damn good reason. Well, the reason is the same as the past 3 nights. I am seriously sick of this. There's only so much I can take and I am reaching my breaking point. Since this is my place to whine, I'm going to do it. If you don't want to hear it, don't read on.
Let's recap the shit I've been through this weekend. From 10pm Friday night to 7 am Saturday morning I bled profusely. Got a small break for a few hours and grabbed some sleep until my daughter woke me up around 10:30. Didn't do too bad for awhile. I was actually able to go 2-3 hours without racing to the bathroom to prevent bleeding all over my new carpet. In the middle of my daughters bath, around 8pm Saturday, the flood began again. Arrived at the ER around 10pm. Sat in the waiting room, going to the bathroom about every 45 minutes to prevent an accident, until around 5:30am. Lef the Er after 7:30am with nothing to help me. Continued flooding until going to gyn urgent care for my 2:30 appointment. Got there around 1:30, and wouldn't ya know it, the bleeding slowed for the second time since Friday evening. Go figure. So, since they made the assumption that the bleeding was 'tapering off' (their words), they decided I didn't need anything to stop the bleeding. Never mind the fact that I was (am) dehydrated and feeling a little weak. Oh, and let's not forget the heart attack they tried to give me. And the cramps I have had non-stop for almost 2 weeks. So, I leave the dr office and things continue to go okay for awhile I'm a little hopeful. This lasts until bedtime, 1:30am. 'Change' for bed, and notice the bleeding is seeming pretty heavy again. Okay, well it had been 3 hours since the last 'change'. So, I go to bed. At 2:30, I flooded again. Changed. Went back to bed. Woke up at 6:30am and flooded bad. And so, here I am, awake, tired, bleeding, and crabby as hell. Also running out of clean underwear.
And so begins my day. Coffe anyone?

There's no going back now

Went in today, after my doctors appointment, to sign the final paperwork on the new van. While we were in the finance office, a salesman came in and asked if we had brought the extra set of keys. Yeah, they sold my old Elantra! One week after trying to convince me I had $1700 worth of damage that would have to be fixed before they could sell it, which I knew was a bunch of crap. Guess even though I have 5 days from today to change my mind about the Entourage, there's no going back to the Elantra.
So, we're getting ready to leave and I see my old Elantra sitting on the side of the building. All they did to it was give it a good wash and wax and put tint on the windows! I'm dying to know what it sold for! Anyone got any ideas how I can find out?

Let's give the infertile girl a heart attack

Yeah, that's the game they were playing at the doctor's office today. I called and they squeezed me into the urgent care clinic at the gyn clinic. Anyways, they asked me if I had gotten the results of my HSG from August and I said yeah, they told me it was normal. The nurse then tells me, oh, the notes here say that you have uterine fibroids and/or polyps. My jaw dropped, um, nobody told me that. The nurse then says oops, well then I didn't tell you either. So, after examinging me, she brings in one of the gyn doctors. The doctor looks at my test results and tells me that during the HSG the technician saw areas that didn't fill with the dye. This usually indicates the presence of fibroids or polyps. I'm like, okay, so how do we find out for sure? She says the fertility doctors will have to decide if they want to 'go in' and check things out or what, but that it's all up to them. She then examines me as well. When she is done and about to leave to check with the fertility docs about what to do for me, I ask her "I know from the pamphlet here in your office that fibroids are non-cancerous growths, but what about polyps? Can they be cancerous? (see, I'd read the pamphlet and started freaking out during the 15 minutes it took the nurse to bring the doctor in). She says oh no, 99.9% of the time polyps are non-cancerous. It's not life-threatening, don't worry. So, I ask what about fertility-threatening? She stutters a bit and says well, yeah, we'll let the fertility doctors talk to you about that, we're just worrying about the bleeding today. So she leaves to go talk to the fertility doctors, while I sit in the room and try not to pass out! Hello, did she just basically tell me that I might not be able to have children and then leave me hanging?! Yup, she sure did.
Now, she comes back into the room and tells me that the fertility doctors don't want them starting me on birth control to stop the bleeding yet. She then tells me that it looks like the plan will still be do to injectibles and IUI once we get this recent problem taken care of. I said I am so happy to hear you say that because you really freaked me out with the whole fibroid/polyp thing. And you know what she tells me? "oh yeah, that. Well, the fertility doctors always do their own evaluation of the images from the HSG and they didn't see anything to be concerned about on yours. That's why they told you it was normal. Apparently the technician must have seen a shadow or something and automatically assumed fibroids or polyps."
Hello, why the hell would you tell a woman going through infertility treatments that she could have something wrong with her that could compromise her chance of conceiving before checking with her doctor?! I was terrified!
So, as of right now I am still not positive what is going on. The doctor today told me I am definitely dehydrated and have lost a lot of blood, but that my body is handling it well. Apparently I am producing blood cells fast enough to replace the ones I am losing without going into shock or anything. I need to drink a lot of fluids and watch my blood sugar. I also need to go see the REI (reproductive endocrinology and infertility) doctor tomorrow at 1, instead of 8, because at 1 all of the doctors will be there, whereas at 8 they won't be. Is that a bad sign, that for some reason they want all of the fertility specialists there when I come in? I'm a little worried that maybe they have bad news for me. But maybe they just want to make sure that everyone agrees on a new plan-of-action for me, to make sure we do whatever is best for my current problem while still considering my future treatments? Guess I will find out tomorrow....

A bad place.... warning: too much (gross) info

I am in a bad place. I have barely slept in 2 nights. Friday night around 10pm I started bleeding very heavily. Between the hours of 10pm and 7am I went through 12 super-plus absorbency tampons and several super absorbency pads. Needless to say, sleep was not possible, unless I wanted to flood the bed. Had a break from around 7am til noon, slept about 3 hours. Flow gradually started increasing again until around 8pm Saturday night, in the middle of my daughters bathtime, the floodgates opened again. I say floodgates, because the blood is literally gushing out of me, despite the so-called super-absorbency. See now why I forewarned about too much info?
So, after putting my daughter to bed, my good friend Christy (I thank the sweet Lord for her!) came over so I could run to the store for supplies. She convinced me to go to the ER because I have been losing so much blood. Since I was pretty freaked out too, I went. After 9.5 (I kid you not, ~10pm-7:30am) hours in the ER, I was sent home with the instructions to go see my fertility dr Tuesday morning. The ER dr 'looked' around inside and did not see anything. Um, hello, how can you see anything when there is blood pouring out the whole time?! Didn't even bother with an ultrasound. Did not 'feel around' inside either, like at a regular pelvic exam. Told me it must just be a hormonal imbalance, thanks to the PCOS, the Clomid Challenge, and the Provera I took back in August. Gave me a test for anemia, said it was fine, and sent me home saying the fertility clinic told him not to do anything. So, back home I am, still gushing blood, exhausted, and worried. Also really pissed off! How can they expect anyone to spend 4 f-ing days going to the bathroom every hour+/- to clean up a big mess?! I can't decide if it would make any difference to go to a different ER tonight. Or to call Monday morning and insist (or try to) the fertility clinic see me sooner. Or if I even have the energy.
Maybe after a third night with basically no sleep I'll be so sleep-deprived that I can go into the ER with hallucinations and little voices in my head. Think they'd do something then?
Yeah, I am definitely in a bad place.

A Chef in the Making

Have you ever had the Zuppa Toscana soup from Olive Garden? I had it for the first time last weekend and loved it so much I had 3 bowls of it! Since I can't exactly afford to go to Olive Garden all the time, I decided to try my hand at making it. Got a recipe off the internet, and I must say I was pleased with the results! Looks a little gross, but it tastes great!

A Lesson in Car Buying. Warning: Very Long Story!

Yesterday I undertook a daunting task - buying a minivan whilst trading in my car, with a 2 year old in tow. I have to admit, my daughter was amazing. Considering we were there for 3+ hours, not including the test drive, she was an absolute angel! Now, on to the negotiations....

Right off the bat they tried to screw me out of the customer loyalty incentive. Only one per customer they say, so the $1000 I had showing from the website was supposedly only worth $500 to me. Uh, no, per the corporate website, the loyalty incentive is $1000 for one person who owns one Hyundai. After about 15 minutes of going back and forth, they finally admit I am right. At least they didn't dispute the military discount. They did try to dispute the low interest rate advertised on the website. Once I showed them the printouts from the website they called up to corporate and got that approved. So, up to then they had tried to screw me out of $500, and a 2% lower interest rate.

Next, we start talking trade-in value. I happen to have done my research and know my trade-in is worth $6280, minus some minor hail and paint damage. I also know I still owe just under $1500 on it, and they know this as well. Here's the general conversation.... keep in mind that any time a dollar amount changes the guy I'm dealing with has to go back and talk to someone else, then come back to me.
-------------------
Them: You have some hail damage on the vehicle, how did that happen?
Me: Um, it got hailed on?
Them: Obviously, but it's only on the front of the car, how did that happen?
Me: I don't know, I guess that the way the car was facing and the way the hail was coming down just made it hit the hood?
Them: Oh, okay. Well then, what would you say to $3900?
Me: $3900?! I'd say hell, no!
Them: Why is that?
Me: I know for a fact that my car is worth much more than that.
Them: Okay, so what do you think your trade-in is worth?
Me: $6000
Them: $6000? But ma'am, you still owe $1500 on it that we have to pay-off.
Me: Yes, I know that. Do you mean that this $3900 you are offering me is in addition to the pay-off?
Them: Yes, ma'am, we're not even talking about that right now, we are trying to determine what you will get as a trade-in value towards your new van.
Me: Oh, okay, then I guess if we're talking what I want to get towards my new minivan on top of having the old car paid off, then subtract the $1500 I owe from the $6000, and we have $4500.
Them: So you'd take $4500?
Me: Yes.
Them: How about $4250?
Me: I'll tell you what, let's split the difference and go with $4375.
Them: Okay. (meanwhile I'm thinking, wow, I just got $5875 for a trade-in I was only expecting $5000 or so for)

So, I leave this part of the negotiations with the impression that the $1500 will be paid off on my old car, and I will get $4375 towards my new van. Is that the impression you got, too? Hmmm, well apparently we are all misunderstanding something, because here's what happens later....

We have already agreed (I thought) on the trade-on, we've agreed on the loyalty incentive and the military discount. The total is still a little higher than I had hoped for. What I really wanted was to still get the other $500 rebate I was supposed to give up for my 3.9% financing. After going back and forth for a while, the manager comes in and tells me, I am not kidding you, that because I am a woman and am there without my husband and am driving such a hard bargain on everything, that he will take the $500 off the MSRP because he can't give me the rebate, it's an 'either/or' incentive with the financing, you can't get both. Okay, I'm fine with that.

So, everything gets put on paper, and I'm ready to sign. Just an FYI - the entire time I was keeping track of all the math so I knew what the final amount should be within about $50 because I estimated taxes. So when their amount is almost $1500 higher than mine, I knew something was wrong. I look at the papers and see that they have listed the trade-in value as $4375 and then at the bottom, added $1500 to my toal cost for the pay off. Here's about how that discussion went:
-------------------
Them: Oh, that's just there because we have to show on the paperwork that we are paying off that amount for you, you're still getting the $4375 we agreed on.
Me: If I'm getting the $4375 we agreed on, why are you adding $1500 to my total?
Them: Because that's what you owe.
Me: I know that is what I owe, but you told me that the amount we were discussing was not including that. You sat here and told me not to worry about that, it is going to be paid off, what we are negotiating is the amount I will get towards my purchase.
Them: No ma'am, I don't know where you got that idea, we agreed the trade-in was worth $4375, but you still owe $1500 and we have to account for that. Just look at them separate, you're getting confused by the way we laid it out. See, here's where we are subtracting the $4375 from the amount of the van. And down here, this is just where we have to list the $1500 you still owe on the other car.
Me: Okay, but you're not just listing it there, you are adding it on to my total. That means you are taking that $1500 I owe out of my trade-in value twice.
Them(and they've brought another manager in now, the other one went home after shaking my hand on a good deal): Ma'am, I don't know why you thought the trade-in value we negotiated was in addition to us paying off your old car. The amount you owe has to be taken off the trade-in value. That's just the way we have to do it.
Me: I thought that because he told me that! (I then proceeded to recap the earlier conversation)
Them: But ma'am, you're car has a lot of hail damage on it, it's not worth $6000.
Me: You're right, it's not, it's worth the $5875 you agreed to give me for it.
Them: No, we agreed to give you $4375, see, it's right here on the paperwork. Ma'am, you're car has extensive hail damage, we have to recoup the costs of fixing that so we can resell it.
Me: No, there is minor hail damage on the hood. That's it.
Them: No ma'am, there's hail damage all around the sides of the car too. (hey, anyone else remember the earlier conversation about why there was only hail damage on the front?)
Me: Okay, so basically you're trying to tell me it's going to cost $1700 to repair the hail damage?
Them: Oh yes ma'am, easily.
Me: Okay, you know what, you mislead me, and $1500 is a big difference. I'm walking on the deal.
Them: Ma'am, noone tried to mislead you.
Me: I disagree. Give me any paperwork I have signed, I'm walking. (getting up out of my chair and gathering everything up)

I proceed to walk out the door with my daughter on my hip, whilst telling my husband on my cell phone that they tried to pull a scam on me and I'm not stupid, we will go to Chrysler or Honda and get one of the other vans we liked.

No sooner do I get to my car then the manager comes running out saying ma'am, wait, ma'am? I know you're tired now, but if I can get you an additional $1000 off, will you come back perhaps tomorrow? I can't get you $1500, I wasn't there so I don't know how that whole misunderstanding happened, but I will bite the $1000 and add it on to your trade-in.
I told him if he will take the $1000 off, I'll walk back in right now and make the deal. You see, I only expected to get about $5000 for my trade-in, and even now I was getting $5375. So I was happy enough with the deal that I didn't want the two hours my poor 2 year old daughter (and I, in my opinion) had been such a trooper through to have been a waste. And I really wanted this van - there's a kind of limited supply on them so who knows when or where I would've gotten this exact one.
So, in the end, I sort of got screwed out of $500, but it was $500 I was not expecting to get anyways.

Now I'd like to pose a question, because I'm trying to puzzle it out for myself. Do you think that the salesman I was working with tried to pull one over on me without the knowledge of management (ie, he was telling me the trade-in value was on top of the pay-off, knowing it wasn't, trying to make some extra money on commission), hoping I wouldn't notice in the end? Or, do you think the management knowingly advised him to do this, and possibly even does this on a regular basis, assuming people will not be paying close enough attention to the paperwork after 2 hours of negotiating? Do you think I did the right thing going back in, or should I have just completely walked away and gone to another dealership, even if it might have meant not getting the car I wanted, or at least not soon?

After all that, here's a picture of my new van. Isn't she beautiful?

Where the hell did you come from?!

So, on what would have been cd58 (Thursday), AF decided to make a completely unexpected (meaning uninduced) appearance. Her timing couldn't be worse. There is no way to fit a cycle in this month thanks to DH being out of town every other week. This will probably screw up our hopes of squeezing 2 cycles in before DH's pending deployment in January (more on this later). I'm guessing that I probably shouldn't use Provera to instigate a period to start an IUI cycle until the 'required' 28+ days has passed and I get a negative HPgT. I don't know though...... I never ovulate on my own anyways so it's very tempting to say screw it and just go ahead if we get the chance. But I probably won't, just in case God decides to bless us with a miracle. So, let's do the math..... HPgT around Nov 4, 5+days of Provera, then another week, give or take, for AF to arrive. That'd put cd1 sometime around Nov 15? Start meds around Nov 21. IUI sometime around Nov 29 if things go according to the Dr's plans.... probably more like Dec 5 if my body responds the same to the meds as before. So yeah, only time for 1 cycle before a possible 6 month forced break (deployment). Of all the times for AF to come on her own. Damn.

Who's afraid of the big bad......lizard?

Uh, yeah, that would be me. Went into the kitchen to get some tea and saw something scurry across the floor. Freaked me out! Thought it was a scorpion. Looked closer and saw it was a lizard, one of those chameleon-like ones you see in the south. Generally they are cute. However, when it is in my kitchen - not so cute! After several minutes of shouting for my husband I realized he must have gone to bed already. Hmmmm, I'm presented with a dilemma..... kill it/catch it myself, or wake him up to do it? I chose wake him up to do it. Needless to say, he was not happy! But between the two of us we got it out of the house. I used some tupperware to catch it, unfortunately chopping off the tail in the process, then the hubby scooped it up and put it outside. By the way, did you know the tail keeps moving after being cut off? I had to pick it up with a papertowel and throw it away. I have no idea if it stopped moving then or not. Totally creepy!

Brave girl on the water-coaster.


Feeding the animals at the 'safari'.

Weekend of Fun

So, the hubby was out of town for 2 weeks and I just about went insane. He got home Friday night/Saturday morning (~12:30am) and we spent the weekend relaxing and doing fun stuff with our daughter. We really needed it!
Saturday we went to Sea World, which our duaghter absolutely adores. She especially likes the dolphins and penguins so we spent plenty of time in those areas. This trip was different from the other times we've gone though. This time, my big girl rode her very first water ride! I forget what the name of it is, but it's basically a log ride with a few drops, the highest being something like 6 stories according to the signs. I was very worried about her but she said she wanted to do it and her daddy was very excited about it. I decided not to go because of my back and neck problems, but I waited in line with them anyways. DD was very anxious to get on 'the boat' and did very well waiting in line for almost 45 minutes. I was afraid she would start crying when the time actually came to get in the boat and go, but she was a real trooper! Her daddy said she loved the small ups and downs, but seemed a little scared on the big drops. Then we got the pic they take on all rollercoasters nowadays and, lo and behold, my little angel is smiling! She loved it! She is so brave! She wanted to go again!
Sunday we went to the wildlife safari about 25 minutes from the house. It's a drivethrough safari where you can feed all the animals from your car. There's everything from goats to zebras to bison. We have season passes and have been going once a week lately. It's a good way to pass a couple of hours time. My little girl just loves feeding the animals! She asks to go all the time.... "I wanna go feed the animals myself Mama!" She's so independent nowadays!
I'll try to post some pictures soon since I finally learned how....

Creepy: a warning to the online world

My husband participates in an online discussion board for his favorite game, Heroscape. He has developed friendships with people from the site and has invited a couple of them over to the house to play. One of the guys he invited over struck me as a bit creepy. Hubby told me he was harmless, just one of those 'weird characters' you meet sometimes. Still, I was happy I had insisted beforehand that someone we had never met was not spending the night in our home. If it was just the hubby and I, that might be different, but I will not do anything to put my daughter in possible danger.
So, it has come to our attention that this guy, let's call him UD, is possibly a child predator. One of the guys from the discussion board went out of town for a week, and came back to find that UD had made contact online with his 16 year old daughter. Apparently there were many emails, IM's, etc in which UD told the girl, among other things, he loved her and wanted to fly to her state to meet her. Asked for information on hotels. From what I understand, sex was not mentioned, but was obviously something on his mind. Why else would a 27 year old married man with 2 children solicit a 16 year old girl online? The girls father is thankfully a responsible parent who monitors his childrens online activity. When he came home, he reviewed her accounts and discovered the emails, and then went further to view her IM's and stuff. Thank God he found this out in time. The authorities have been contacted. Unfortunately, they say since nothing actually happened (ie the meeting never took place) and sex was not explicitly mentioned, that all they can do is put him on their list of possible threats and keep an eye on him. I have not seen these emails or anything myself, but we have it from good authority (a friend who is a cop, who is, ironically, on the same discussion board, and has become involved in the case) that it is definitely the work of someone wanting to solicit a child. Even the girl, upon reviewing everything, was glad that her father had found out because in hindsight she saw that it was not right. She wanted to bait UD so that the police could catch him but they did not want to use her as bait.
This totally creeps me out. This guy was in my home. My daughter had contact with him. Granted, she is 2 and this other girl is 16, but in my opinion this doesn't matter. A sexual predator was in the same room as my daughter. I am totally creeped out. I hope that he does not remember how to get to my house. I hope that the authorities find some reason to arrest him. I cannot believe that nothing can be done at this point. This man's wife is in the military and they are based a couple of hours from here. He has access to military bases and people let their guard down on base. You assume you can trust other military people. I can only assume that military children would be more likely to accept a ride or something from a stranger on a military base because you assume you can trust these people. I hope that this is an isolated incident with this guy and that nothing worse is done or has been done. I hope that noone else has to suffer the fear that this girl and her family have been subjected to.
Let this serve as a reminder to us to use caution in our dealings online. If you have children, please monitor their online activity. This is not an invasion of privacy, this is responsible parenting. Children (yes, even 16 and 17 year olds) are very impressionable. They are flattered by the attentions of an older man (or woman) and are naive enough to think that nothing bad can happen to them, that they know what they are doing. In reality, these predators know what they are doing and will do and say whatever is necessary to get what they want. And sometimes what they want is your child. Be aware and take the necessary precautions to ensure this does not happen to your family.

Oh gee, what a surprise!

So, since cd 43 just passed I figured I'd take a pg test. I know the docs said there was basically no chance I would ovulate on the Clomid based on my lab results, but a girl can still hope right? Made sure to BD on the right days just in case. Quadruple crossed my fingers. Stood on my head. Oh okay, I'm making that one up, but you get the idea. So, wanna guess the test results? Oh go on, you know you want to! Oh okay, I'll tell you..... BFN, of course! Aren't you surprised? No? Well, I guess I can't blame ya. It seems like such a waste of a perfectly good pg test when I already know the answer. But, I figured I'd better just make sure. Miracles happen sometimes right? Oh well, at least now I can drown my sorrows in some wine coolers tomorrow night. Blue Hawaiian.... mmmmmm

Grandpa

A husband, handsome and young
A father, whose praises are sung
A soldier, proud and bold
A grandfather, with a heart of gold

He was a man who made you laugh
In our family, the chief of staff
He served our country, standing tall
Greatly loved, and missed by all

Though our tears may still be shed
Better days are up ahead
Now that your soul is free
Our guardian angel, you shall be

A tribute to Michael S Baksh....

Today is the anniversary of one of the worst days in the history of our country. I'd like to tell you about one of the victims of that tragic day 5 years ago. Michael S Baksh was a 36 year old man who loved music and loved to dance. His wife and I share the same first name, Christina. Fate took him from her and their 2 young children. September 11, 2001 was his first day as an insurance executive at a company located in the World Trade Center.

I learned about the 2,996 project from my friend MamaChristy, who is also participating. I wish I knew more about Michael Baksh. The little I know tells me that he was a man who loved his family and truly enjoyed life. My heart goes out to his family anf friends. Please keep the Baksh family and all others that were victims of that tragic day in your thoughts and prayers. Feel free to share your thoughts and feelings on this tragic event in the comment section. If you happened to know Michael Baksch, please share your memories of him - I, for one, would love to know more. If you didn't know him, google his name and you will find links to many tributes.

We will never forget.

Just when you think it can't get any worse......

My grandma was admitted to the hospital tonight. She was having pain and tightness in her chest and they heard a 'tic' in her heart while she was in the ER, so they admitted her for more tests, etc. Hopefully there'll be a good dr in tomorrow, even though it is a holiday, to check her out really good. The good news is that her EKG came back okay so it wasn't a heart attack - the bad news is that it could mean that another one is coming. So, I'm basically here to ask again for everyone to please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

Funerals suck.... also, a tribute.....

Well, my grandpa's funeral was today. He passed away Monday night, around 9:30pm. Luckily I made it home just in time and was able to spend some time with him before he passed on. I was not poperly prepared for the situation before I arrived. I didn't realize that my grandpa was in a coma. He was lying motionless on the hospice bed and looked like he was in a deep sleep - he was even snoring, but that was the result of the fluids in his lungs. He'd lost so much weight I barely recognized him. It was hard to believe that this was the strong man I'd known all my life.
I'd like to tell you a little bit about my grandpa, so that you can know what an amazing man he was. His name was John Kujawa.... he was 82 years old when he left this world. He served in the army for 6 years and fought in WWII. I know for sure that he fought in Normandy and Germany. He was wounded twice in battle - a skull fracture, and a gun shot wound in the upper leg. When he received the gun shot wound, the 2 other men in the front line with him were killed, and he was left for dead by the rest of his unit. He pulled himself back to safety along the battle ground. Even after receiving these injuries, he still chose to reenlist for 2 more years in the army when his time was up. He received the Purple Heart, Bronze Star and numerous other awards. He was a brave man who loved his country so much that he almost gave his life for it. Even after his service, he remained an extremely patriotic man.
My grandpa was also a big family man. He loved his family and would do anything for them. Even after he became so ill, he was more concerned about everyone else being taken care of. He would always say 'don't worry about me'. Now we truly don't need to worry about him anymore. As of today, he has received a traditional Catholic burial and shall rest in peace. He will be sorely missed.
If anyone is reading this.... please pray for my grandma. Her heart is not strong and right now it is broken. The man she loved for over 66 years and was married to for over 60 has gone and she doesn't know what to do with herself. She just wants to be with him. Please pray for God to give her the strength to carry on.

Going offline for a bit......

Even though I only know of one person who reads this, I still thought I'd post a reminder that I am going out of town tomorrow (so far my grandpa is holding out so I still may make it in time), and will not return until September 9. I probably won't be able to post in the meantime...... but if I get the chance, odds are I won't be able to resist. So, until then.......

I talked to my grandpa today....

Or should I say, I talked at my grandpa today. He asked for all of his family to gather around him and the social worker suggested that those of us from out-of-town (namely, me) call so the phone could be held by his ear and I could say anything I felt the need to say. They told him it was me and he said my name, but he couldn't get much else out. I told him that I love him and am really looking forward to seeing him Sunday....... my daughter was sitting with me at the time and was talking about the tv so I told her to say "hi" and she did..... I could hear my sister in the background telling him that it was my daughter talking...... I told him how much she enjoyed it the last time we visited him and that she wants to see him when we come in on Sunday..... hopefully these things will help him hold out until then..... give him a reason to hang on a little bit longer. I know I'm being selfish...... he did not sound good...... his breathing is very labored and he could barely speak..... I know I should have told him it was okay to go, not to feel like he needed to wait for me but I couldn't bring myself to say that. I don't know what would be better...... I couldn't keep from crying when I talked to him so I know there is no way I can not cry when I see him..... and that might not be good for him..... I don't know...... when I have talked to my sister, my mom, and my grandma they have all been trying to be strong in front of him. I just don't think I'm capable of that.
So, when I get off the phone, I'm obviously upset. My daughter decided she wanted to sit on the potty again and read her new book (bought specifically for that purpose!) so I had to try to be excited and encouraging. I'm sitting across from her crying into a towel and I look up to find her staring at me. I told her 'it's okay honey, mommy's just sad, she can't help it, but you are being a very big girl and I am so proud of you'. That beautiful little angel climbed into my lap, looked right at me and said 'mama no sad' and gave me a big hug! God I love that little girl so much!

I failed the challenge.....

So I talked to the doctor's office today and based on my lab results from cd10, I failed the Clomid Challenge. There's basically 0 chance that I will ovulate this cycle. Which we had figured would be the case, but it still sucks! So, we discussed what the new 'plan of action' is going to be. I'm going to start on Metformin next week. Guess it helps a lot of women with PCOS. Whenever hubby and I are ready to start another cycle, I'll take the provera, since we all know I won't get AF without it. Then on cd3 I'll get a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork, start on Gonal-F, begin my twice weekly ultrasounds and bloodwork around cd7, and hopefully within a couple weeks be ready for my HCG trigger to bring on ovulation, then a day or 2 later we'll be doing IUI. Doc seems to think it was a fluke that we conceived our daughter without the IUI. Of course, he also thinks it's a fluke that we didn't end up with twins or more, considering the amount of follicles that my misfit, PCOS-ridden ovaries are constantly covered in! So it should be interesting to see what happens!

I'm leaving on a jet plane....

don't know when I'll be back again...... oh okay, yes I do, but the song popped into my head so I went with it. Anyways, I'll be leaving Sunday the 27th to fly north to hopefully say my goodbyes to my grandpa. Everyone seems doubtful that he will make it until then, but I am trying to stay optimistic. I really want to see him again, even though I know he is 'not himself'. I also really want my daughter to see her great-grandpa again, even though she will probably not remember it when she is older. My grandpa has a special 'rapport' with all the great-grandkids. When we last visited, my daughter was a little leary of everyone because she does not know our family that well, living so far away. But she went right to my grandpa and was totally loving on him! It really made his day!

I just ate half a pan of brownies.....

..... and I might go back for more! Food has (unfortunately) always been a source of comfort to me. That probably has a lot to do with why I am technically considered obese. I don't feel obese (fat yes, obese no!), but according to my BMI I am obese.
Anyways, the reason for the brownies...... aside from the fact that my Clomid-induced hormones are a-raging, there's been some bad stuff going on in my family lately. My grandpa has been doing kind of bad for awhile and several weeks ago he started taking a turn for the worse. Turns out he has probably had several mini-strokes and he is now basically blind (he sees only shadows), can't take care of himself at all, and has no short-term memory. He often forgets who my grandma, much less the rest of the family. Anyways, my grandma has been caring for him for the longest time now..... until a few weeks ago when she had a heart attack. She ended up having open heart surgery, followed by a stroke while still in the hospital, but she has been recovering well. Now we get to the kicker..... yesterday my mom sat down with my grandpa and explained to him that he is dying. His system is shutting down and he is not eating or drinking so is suffering from malnourishment and dehydration which is very hard on his body. My mom asked him what he wanted, because he refuses to go to the doctor, refuses to eat, drink etc, but because of his memory problems he can't remember what is wrong with him. So she told him flat out and asked what he wanted to do. He said he just wanted to go to bed and sleep. 10 minutes later he called for her and asked to be taken to the hospital because he was scared. He said that angels and devils have been visiting him and they are fighting over him and he doesn't want to go with the devil but he doesn't want to be here anymore either. My mom called an ambulance and they took him to the hospital. Since yesterday he has gotten 3 bags of plasma and 3 units of regular blood. He has unexplained internal bleeding and his body can't take much more. Everything is shutting down. They are going to send him home, probably tomorrow, with hospice care to help keep him comfortable. He told everyone today that he was told that 'they' don't have room for him right now but that there'll be a place for him in 4 or 5 days. Right now he is afraid of being alone so my sister is spending the night at the hospital with him. Hopefully he will get some rest.
My grandma says that they had a pact to never leave eachother alone, that they will go together everywhere. She doesn't want to live without him and frankly I can understand that.
Anyways, I'm terrified right now. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible because I don't want to leave town in the middle of a cycle, even if it is just a challenge cycle - on these drugs you never know what could happen - and I also don't want to go alone and my husband can't leave right now. The soonest we are looking at being able to go home together is September 2. I'm terrified that both of my grandparents may be gone by then. I lost my dad very suddenly 4 years ago - he died in his sleep the day before I was coming home to see him. He had been begging my husband and I to come home for the 4th of July, his favorite holiday, and we had made plans to make the 2 days drive home for the holiday. The day before we left I got the call that my mom had found him dead. I've never forgiven myself for not making it home in time. I suspect that he had a feeling there was something wrong and that was why he wanted us home so badly. I'm so scared that it is going to happen again and I don't know how I will handle it. I'm an emotional wreck right now. My body is so full of hormones right now that I can't seem to control myself. I'm blubbering for Christ's sake! Thank God my husband is out tonight so I can have this little breakdown. I've always been the type to hold everything in until I am alone - I can't seem to help it, I always put up a good front and then all hell breaks lose when I am alone. And thank God that I have somewhere I can get this all out. It's like there's always someone here for me to talk to.
So, if anyone is out there, what are your thoughts? Am I being completely selfish by waiting until the end of my cycle and until my husband can go 'home' with my daughter and I? Do I qualify as a complete blubbering idiot right now? Do you believe that my grandpa knows something, in reference to his 'they'll have room for me in 4 or 5 days' remark? Like how I think my dad had an idea?
Well, there's still half a pan of brownies left and it's calling my name. Maybe if my stomach starts hurting it'll take my mind off everything else. Thanks for listening....

I swear I'm not challenging you!

Okay, so I got my blood drawn again today as part of the Clomid Challenge..... today is cd10. Anyways, as usual I told the phlebotomist (I love that word!) that I only have one good vein and dutifully showed him the fading bruise from last week. Also as usual, the guy took that as a challenge for him to find another vein to use! He tells me "oh, that's not true, you've got plenty of veins in there!", and proceeds to start poking at my right arm..... and when I point out the needle mark from last week when the last guy took the 'challenge', he still insists he can get that vein. I say fine, go ahead and try..... needless to say he couldn't get it. Nor could he get my good vein on my left arm to work after that (though he sure poked around a lot!) which tells me he may not have been that good with a needle anyways. His supervisor had to come over and use a butterfly on my forearm to get the blood. My friend Christy suggested I start having them make notes for me for the next time, saying that I'm telling the truth about that being my only good vein so to quit poking at me for no good reason other than the desire to prove me wrong! I've had my blood drawn enough to know that it either comes from my one good vein on my left arm, or it comes from my hand, or as I learned this time, my forearm. Yet every single time I tell them to go straight for my good vein, they take it as a challenge.....

HSG update

Okay, so my HSG went pretty well today. Compared to last time, the pain was surprisingly bearable. I'm not sure if it's because the doctor injected the dye slowly, compared to the last time when they just shot a bunch of it in at once, or if it has something to do with my prior knowledge of the procedure - meaning that I knew they were full of s**t when they said all you need is some motrin before the procedure and you'll just get some mild period-like cramps. Knowing they are full of s**t, I took the motrin..... along with 2 muscle relaxers and a vicodin, left over from my last back injury! So although I didn't feel any effects of the meds, they must have made a difference!
Don't get me wrong, the procedure was far from a piece of cake - when the doctor attached the clamp to my cervix I wanted to punch him but the immediate cramping that started held me immobile long enough for me to realize that punching the doctor would not make the procedure go any quicker! Anyways, the dye went in, I rolled left, I rolled right, the dye spilled over on both sides and everything looked great! And when it was all over, the doctor was kind enough to remember to remove the clamp from my cervix before pulling all the 'gear' out, which they unfortunately forgot to do last time. Seriously, how can you forget that you attached a clamp to someone's cervix like 10 minutes before! But anyways, that was last time....... and I'm sure I've ranted about that enough!

How did they know?

Saw this on my good friend MamaChristy's site, who got it from Tonito's site..... anyways, thought it was cute, and really liked what my name came out to be!



Check yours out!

Ready or Not......

Actually, I'm NOT ready! My HSG is scheduled for tomorrow at 1pm and I am dreading it. I know that the worst of the pain only lasts a few minutes but I remember it being so bad the last time that I'm scared about it this time. They tell you to expect some mild cramping, then they inject this foreign substance into your body and your body doesn't like it! My whole body immediately cramped up and arched up off the table. I couldn't breathe. Meanwhile, the techs are telling me to 'just relax' because I'm interfering with the test. They seem to expect you to lie perfectly still and smile while they inflict excruciating pain upon you! I'm afraid that this time will be worse for some reason. For one, I'm doing it alone - hubby has to stay with our daughter during the procedure. So, no hand to hold. For two, last time I didn't have any blockages..... if I somehow have one now, I've heard the pain can be worse. And I can't imagine much worse!
Well, I suppose I've vented enough on this topic for now...... I'm sure I'll have more to say after the test tomorrow!

Birthday Party!

So today (well, yesterday) is my daughter's 2nd birthday. We had a great party with several wonderful friends and good food. The kids are still young enough that they don't require any structured games or anything, which is kind of nice. They all just had a blast playing with all the cool new toys our little sweetie got! I think the biggest hit was the play kitchen her Nana(my mom) got her - it inspired a bit of 'fighting' because everyone wanted to play with it! If I had used my head, I could have waited until some of the other kids were gone before giving it to her, but all things considered (there were 6 young kids) everyone did very well!
Unfortunately our family lives far away and could not be at the party, but we have thankfully found an 'extended family' in our friends and it is so nice to know that they are there for us, to share in this great moments of our lives. It's going to be sad when we have to move again in a few years (hubby is in the military)...... we're really liking it here! We love our new house and neighborhood, and we've made some truly wonderful friends!

AF is here!

Surprisingly, AF has arrived! I expected to wait several more days. Not that I am complaining! Since the doc has me doing the Clomid Challenge this cycle, I'll be going for a gazillion blood tests Friday, then a few more next Friday, with an HSG sometime in between. Really dreading the HSG, especially since I know exactly what to expect (I had one before conceiving my daughter), but I suppose it's better to know for sure that everything is still 'flowing' properly before proceeding with the treatments. I guess that's how I should be viewing the Clomid Challenge too...... just because it didn't work last time doesn't mean it won't this time right? I'm seriously doubting it since I did 4 rounds before and never even ovulated, but things can change...... it'd sure beat injectibles again! So I guess...... bring on the Challenge!

Turns out I'm more of a bitch than I thought!

So, when I posted that crap about water restrictions I was apparently being even more of a bitch than I realized! My good friend MamaChristy was apparently watering too! I swear I didn't even know that, and like I said it's not even something that would normally bother me. My hubby came in and told me that the people down the block were watering on their off day again and it was running down the street and crap and it got under my hormone crazed skin. MamaChristy never does that (overwatering so it runs down the street). She is one of my best friends and can therefore break any rules or restrictions she wants and I would never question her! So yeah, when I saw that she was watering last night and thought I was talking about her, I felt like a total bitch!
Then again..... I wonder if there's a reward...... she did confess after all...... ;P

On a lighter note.....

My new carpet is supposed to be installed this week! I'm so excited! Thanks to the screw-up (or should I say multiple screw-ups) of a few people, I'm getting a brand new, better carpet for free. Well, unless you count the fact that I am working my butt off packing up practically my entire house and moving it into the garage......for the second time....... but it will all be worth it if they get the new carpet in without screwing anything else up! Who am I to complain about a free increase in the value of my home?!

The crabbies have got me already!

Well, AF isn't even due to make an appearance for a few days at the very least, but I already feel like I'm PMSing! I'm tired and super hungry and craving sweets (even more than usual which is BAD!) and I'm super super crabby! I just can't seem to help it - I'm nitpicking on everything my hubby does and says and things that shouldn't bother me so much are. Why should I care so much that people are watering their lawn and it's not their day to do it? So we're in water restrictions..... who am I to say they have to obey them? Just because I feel the need to follow the restrictions doesn't mean everyone else does. Is it really making that big a difference what day people water as long as they don't do it too much? Apparently it matters to the crabby me!

You want to do what?!

Yup, you're hearing me correctly - I want my period. So, tonight I took my 3rd of 5 doses of Provera to 'force' my period to make an appearance. I know, why would I want to do that? Well, as nice as it is to not have a period to worry about every month like the average woman, it sucks when it comes to trying to get pregnant. Everything relies on your period! You base everything on your cycle days, with day 1 being the first day of your period. So, since I can never predict when my period will decide to make an appearance, I am taking this wonderful female hormone that my body is apparently lacking. Hopefully the 5 days of Provera will work, because if not I will have to start all over and do 10 days of Provera. Of course, I won't know if the 5 doses worked until a week has passed after the last dose and no period shows up. So basically that will mean almost 2 whole weeks lost! And I don't like to waste time......

Why blog?

Okay, so the hubby and I are finally starting fertility treatments again. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which causes me to be infertile. I have a beautiful daughter who is almost 2, conceived using fertility medicine. Anyways, we'd love to give her a brother or sister.... or maybe both..... and our referral has finally gone through. I know from the last time that there is a lot of stress involved in this process, so I've created this blog as a lifeline. Sometimes I just need somewhere to put my thoughts down! I expect that I will do a lot of venting here, but hopefully there will be happy stuff posted as well!